Giving Tuesday

Failing with Grace

Have you ever felt like a failure? What feelings does even the thought of experiencing failure evoke in you?

I've learned a lot about dealing with failure over the past few days. God has revealed Himself to me through prayer, journaling, reading, and hearing the stories of others. I have been richly blessed to experience compassion from others during these past few days. In fact, I've learned that being embraced with compassion from others actually helps me embrace myself with compassion. I spent Monday through Thursday at a silent retreat this week. In the silence, I came face to face with some hidden issues lurking in the shadows of my heart. Things I didn't realize were there because I've been too busy to spend time with myself. I began facing questions such as: How is my heart doing at this very moment? Is it happy, sad, hurting, or craving human touch? How exactly am I supposed to examine the dark corners of my soul when I am so busy?!

Let's start with a little background info on me. See... I tend to be a bit of a perfectionist. Okay. Maybe a little more than a bit. Those who know me well would respond with, "You think?!" I thrive on doing all things well. I like to do things as perfect as possible. I don't like to leave things unfinished. If I do, I remember those things for a very long time after because it just bothers me that much. For example: Just the other day, I was telling a friend about how I still think of the Christmas puzzle we didn't finish last year. Crazy, right?! Being a perfectionist affects more than just my outward actions though. It affects how I feel on the inside, too. How I treat myself and what I expect of myself.

Sometimes I hold myself to impossibly high standards. Sometimes I feel like I have to sell myself to others and this can really have a negative impact on my feelings of worth. Sometimes I feel like I need to be everything to everyone. Sometimes I feel like I’m either too much or not enough. All of these things ultimately lead to my sense of being a failure.

Yes, I feel like a failure often. But I have to remind myself that my failures don’t define me. Failure is not a defining characteristic of who I am.  I should not let the shame of falling victim to these things steal my joy and make me suffer. Yes, they are negative feelings. But I’m not the only person who struggles with those from time to time. I am not alone in these feelings. I am not the only one. I must be willing to be transparent and vulnerable with myself and others to work through this sense of darkness that clouds my judgment. But even in my failure, I must be thankful for learning something, for being alive in the daily battles, and for being tested. Those battles and tests are the things that ignite new growth.

I need to observe life as it is without being judgmental or suppressing my thoughts and feelings (which I tend to do often). Self-compassion focuses on easing my suffering. Self-criticism makes me fear failure and lose faith in myself and the plan God has for me. Even when I don’t do well I need to be supportive and accepting of myself. It’s perfectly okay to be imperfect. And yes, this is very hard for me to believe some times. In fact, I cringed a little when I wrote it in my journal AND when I typed it here. Self-criticism tears me down while self-compassion focuses on changing the behavior that is affecting me negatively. I need to recognize that this is a moment of suffering and that it is part of life. But can I be kind to myself in this moment and give myself the compassion I need? It's what I need to do, but it's not always easy for me. It's way easier for me to be critical of myself.

We all make mistakes, but dealing with these issues, becoming aware of them, and preventing them from taking control is something I am doing with God’s help and His strength. I am learning to fail with grace. I don’t need the world’s praise for being perfect. I need to point to Jesus in my imperfection. I need to trust in Him and believe in His plan and purpose for my life. I need to live out of my passions instead of my failures. God, grant me the gift of self-compassion.

“God withholds himself from no one who perseveres.” -Teresa of Avila