Freedom, Goodbyes, and Summer Break

Just a warning. This has the potential to be very long. But we shall see.

I'll start with freedom. The word freedom has been on my mind quite a bit in the past few months. I created this collage back in April:

Early May I learned about SoulCollage and created what I call my Freedom card:

I am one who wants to live life free and uninhibited. I want to be free to move beyond my inner trappings. I want to stop waiting for permission to outwardly show what's within. I no longer want to be restrained by my own self conscious ways, suppressing my actions and reactions whether anyone is watching or not. I want to be free. Freedom lives within me. There are many scriptures that remind me of the freedom that is within me. 2 Corinthians 3:17 says, "Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." The Spirit lives within me. Therefore, freedom does as well. John 8:36 says, "So if the Son has set you free, you will be free indeed." I need only embrace that freedom that Christ has given me. John 10:10 says that "the thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I have come that they may have life, and have it in all its fullness." How can I live into that fullness if I do not embrace the freedom He has already blessed me with? I can't. I need to free myself from my perfectionism which keeps me trapped from freely acting in the moment. I need to free myself from the negative self-talk which criticizes my every move and thought so I can move past the walls of protection I've built around me to fully experience the love of others and love for myself. One final scripture about freedom that stands out to me is found in Galatians 5:13-14. It says, "You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" This ties into my inability to love myself and receive love. If I cannot live into the freedom Christ has so blessed me with, I cannot fully and humbly love myself. If I cannot fully love myself, how does that affect my ability to love my neighbor? Questions to ponder. Got any words of wisdom in that area, feel free to share! I feel that I freely and humbly serve and love others, no problem. It's doing those things for myself that aren't always easy. I'm not saying that I hate myself. I've come a very long way in that area and have learned to love myself at times. But that remains a struggle that comes and goes. All of that to say, freedom has been a big part of my inner journey the past several months, thus, leading to this:

This is who I want to be. I want to live free. I want to be like a bird and spread my wings soaring to new heights freely living and freely loving. That being said, I also decided to add a little color to my hair last week. I've always wanted to do it. I've just allowed myself to be controlled by the expectations and judgments of others for so long that I didn't dare do anything out of the ordinary. Here's to living life free from inhibitions:

Purple highlights!

Next up, goodbyes. Never my favorite thing. I really, really don't like them. And I used to avoid them. But in a training I went to last summer, I learned the importance of saying good goodbyes. As I've continued purging belongings and furniture that I've had forever, I say goodbye. I let it go. Is it easy to say goodbye to belongings and furniture? Not always. Some may laugh and think it's silly to do such a thing. But for me, it has become necessary. It's part of my preparing to move to a new country. It's part of letting go of where I'm at now and embracing my future. Still doesn't make it any easier. But as hard as that has been, people are a trillion times harder. Friday was my last day of work before summer break started. Even though I signed my letter stating I was coming back next school year, I'm almost 99% sure that I'm not since I am 92% funded to leave for Thailand. Hopefully, I can raise the remaining 8% in two months! Since I didn't have the finality of actually quitting, the full impact of that being my last day of my 12 years of working at AMCHS didn't really hit me. I said some goodbyes, but they weren't really good goodbyes. Some people I didn't say good goodbyes to because I knew I'd be spending time with them this summer. I just couldn't bring myself to accept the finality of our relationship as coworkers. Yes, I almost cried a few times as one of them broke in accepting the finality of both me and another friend leaving, but I still haven't experienced the full brunt of that season of my life ending. The good thing is I still have time to say good goodbyes to the ones that have mattered the most to me over the course of my 12 years there. We are more than just coworkers. We are friends. Some of them even becoming best friends. We will hang out over the summer. We will continue our friendship. And I will force myself to say good goodbyes when it is time. Even if that means losing control of my emotions and crying. Just the thought of doing this makes me tear up already. Why are goodbyes so hard?! It's because these people have become your community, your friends, your rock when everything is changing, your source of joy and laughter, your support in times of need, your support in times you didn't know you needed it, your reason for not feeling alone in the world. Basically, a main character in the story of your life. You move away from that and even though you don't have to lose the relationship, the personal aspect of it has diminished. You can no longer grab your popcorn bucket and go see a movie with them. You can no longer hit the gym with them. You can no longer hug or be hugged by them. You can no longer join them for drinks when they're struggling and need you. You can no longer give them massages or get massages with them. You can no longer be present in their children's lives as they grow up. There will be a lot of no longers in my future. But at the same time, there will be a lot of new life, new friends, new places, and new experiences to have. Not that those replace the old. But there will be opportunities to do the same things with new people. And thankfully, technology has become so advanced that saying goodbye doesn't mean I won't see them until I come back again! There are numerous messenger apps that allow us to video talk no matter where we are in the world. This makes saying goodbyes a little easier. My best friends and I can still talk regularly. Granted it may not be every day and won't be in person any more, but we can still talk "face-to-face." Yes, goodbyes are hard. With goodbyes comes change. And change is never easy. It can be worth it, but it is never easy.

This sums up things pretty well. I have found my calling in life. I know where I'm supposed to be. I know my purpose. I know what I'm passionate about. In order to move towards that purpose and passion, I must say goodbye.

Last up, summer break. I'm super excited about summer break. One, because I'm super close to being able to leave for Thailand. Of course, with that excitement also comes a bit of anxiety as I have lots of things to take care of before leaving! Two, because I get to spend more time doing the things I love. Like being outside, hanging with friends any time of day, and not being limited by work hours and work exhaustion! I will have time to continue going through boxes and splitting stuff in piles for storage, garage sale, and Thailand. I will have time to figure out the visa, airline, and Lucy stuff. I can be available to video chat with a friend in another country at better hours for her. I can go on road trips and vacations. Summer break just opens the door to freedom! There's that freedom word again! I can embrace my freedom in the freedom of summer break! I'm looking forward to spending a couple of days with my friends in Fredericksburg soon. I'm also looking forward to hitting the beach with my parents for a week. I'm hoping to get another road trip planned with a couple of other friends to have one last girls' trip together before I leave the country. Lots to do so I'm sure my "freedom" will soon be busy. But the best thing is, summer allows me to have the freedom to plan these fun things to keep me busy. Life will no longer be confined to the weekends or a rare weeknight when exhaustion doesn't keep us in. I can workout at whatever time of day I want and still have time to do other things on top of that! Yes, I am so pumped about my last summer break here in Texas with my closest friends and family!

That about sums up life right now. Freedom, goodbyes, and summer break. All things that consume my mind, break my heart, and push me to live and love more freely and abundantly. I warned you it could be long. I'm surprised it's as short as it is, though. Blessings on all of you! May you embrace freedom today and forevermore!

Also, one more thing!! Just 4 more days to buy an awesome t-shirt to support and help me get to Thailand!! Click here!!! Three colors available: gray, maroon, and navy.