Giving Tuesday

Failing with Grace

Have you ever felt like a failure? What feelings does even the thought of experiencing failure evoke in you?

I've learned a lot about dealing with failure over the past few days. God has revealed Himself to me through prayer, journaling, reading, and hearing the stories of others. I have been richly blessed to experience compassion from others during these past few days. In fact, I've learned that being embraced with compassion from others actually helps me embrace myself with compassion. I spent Monday through Thursday at a silent retreat this week. In the silence, I came face to face with some hidden issues lurking in the shadows of my heart. Things I didn't realize were there because I've been too busy to spend time with myself. I began facing questions such as: How is my heart doing at this very moment? Is it happy, sad, hurting, or craving human touch? How exactly am I supposed to examine the dark corners of my soul when I am so busy?!

Let's start with a little background info on me. See... I tend to be a bit of a perfectionist. Okay. Maybe a little more than a bit. Those who know me well would respond with, "You think?!" I thrive on doing all things well. I like to do things as perfect as possible. I don't like to leave things unfinished. If I do, I remember those things for a very long time after because it just bothers me that much. For example: Just the other day, I was telling a friend about how I still think of the Christmas puzzle we didn't finish last year. Crazy, right?! Being a perfectionist affects more than just my outward actions though. It affects how I feel on the inside, too. How I treat myself and what I expect of myself.

Sometimes I hold myself to impossibly high standards. Sometimes I feel like I have to sell myself to others and this can really have a negative impact on my feelings of worth. Sometimes I feel like I need to be everything to everyone. Sometimes I feel like I’m either too much or not enough. All of these things ultimately lead to my sense of being a failure.

Yes, I feel like a failure often. But I have to remind myself that my failures don’t define me. Failure is not a defining characteristic of who I am.  I should not let the shame of falling victim to these things steal my joy and make me suffer. Yes, they are negative feelings. But I’m not the only person who struggles with those from time to time. I am not alone in these feelings. I am not the only one. I must be willing to be transparent and vulnerable with myself and others to work through this sense of darkness that clouds my judgment. But even in my failure, I must be thankful for learning something, for being alive in the daily battles, and for being tested. Those battles and tests are the things that ignite new growth.

I need to observe life as it is without being judgmental or suppressing my thoughts and feelings (which I tend to do often). Self-compassion focuses on easing my suffering. Self-criticism makes me fear failure and lose faith in myself and the plan God has for me. Even when I don’t do well I need to be supportive and accepting of myself. It’s perfectly okay to be imperfect. And yes, this is very hard for me to believe some times. In fact, I cringed a little when I wrote it in my journal AND when I typed it here. Self-criticism tears me down while self-compassion focuses on changing the behavior that is affecting me negatively. I need to recognize that this is a moment of suffering and that it is part of life. But can I be kind to myself in this moment and give myself the compassion I need? It's what I need to do, but it's not always easy for me. It's way easier for me to be critical of myself.

We all make mistakes, but dealing with these issues, becoming aware of them, and preventing them from taking control is something I am doing with God’s help and His strength. I am learning to fail with grace. I don’t need the world’s praise for being perfect. I need to point to Jesus in my imperfection. I need to trust in Him and believe in His plan and purpose for my life. I need to live out of my passions instead of my failures. God, grant me the gift of self-compassion.

“God withholds himself from no one who perseveres.” -Teresa of Avila

Community

The past few weeks have flown by! Life has been good and I've enjoyed lots of time in community with others. I've been to coffee shops with friends, Wednesday night dinners at church, church Sunday School class with my best friends, lunches with friends, birthday dinner celebrations, spiritual direction and more! I've had the opportunity to listen to others, learn from others, share with others, and just be with others. It's truly a blessing to be surrounded by those who can share freely with you and vice versa!
I've also received some great news from Thailand! My latest newsletter should be in the mail this week so be looking for that! I learned that a Thai young lady has decided to join me in the area where I will be serving in Thailand. That is super exciting and an answer to prayers from me and others! I've also learned that the ministry in the northeast of Thailand has outgrown their building and is preparing to build a new pavilion. Prayers for the funding to come through for that project! I think I may have mentioned it in the previous post, but it bears repeating because it's awesome. I have officially reached the halfway point in funding for my service in Thailand! I'm at 54% and continue to be amazed at how God provides! That means I only have 46% more to go and that gets me pumped!! I'm so ready to leave for Thailand, it's unreal. I cannot wait until I am fully funded so I can buy my plane ticket, pack up my bags, and leave for Thailand for at least the next 5 years!
I'm also currently looking at a possibility to visit the Thai couple I will be joining when they come to the states for a visit and speaking engagements. Not sure if it will work out for me, but it sure would be great to see them again while I'm waiting to leave.
Cool story: On Saturday I went to a Special Olympics area meet with a couple of our athletes and another coach. While I was there, I got to visit with a coach I previously worked with when I lived in Conroe. I told him about how I was planning to move to Thailand and he asked if I'd like for him to introduce me to one of his friends that was there who just so happened to be from Thailand! He introduced me and I got to share my story with her about serving in Thailand and she shared about Thailand's beauty and how much the Thai people would love having me there. She shared about herself and her mission experiences and asked about mine. We had a wonderful conversation and she asked for my contact information. How awesome is it that I can meet and chat with a Thai woman in Texas?!
Other than those things, I can't think of much else to share. Work is going well. It's still hard trying to break down lessons from teachers in a more simplified way for the students I work with; especially when I barely understand what they're teaching! But all is well and I'm finding a bit of a rhythm with it. Of course, I say that the day before I have to assist a student with 4 different tests tomorrow! Yikes!! Test days always seem to fall on the same day! We'll survive, though. And if not, we can always do test corrections!

Overcome

I was reading a post from the Velvet Ashes website today and was struck with some major truth. What does it mean to overcome? In the dictionary it is defined as succeeding in dealing with a problem or difficulty, being victorious over opposing forces, or being overwhelmed. American culture tends to view it as victory, staying power, undefeated, conquer, persevere, outlast, excel, not give in, and winner. The opposite means giving up, quitting, not willing to stick-it-out, and a sense of loss. But what does God mean when He talks about overcoming? Scriptures on overcoming focus on God, NOT us. What God has done for us, NOT what we can do. At MTI training this summer we learned about the paradox of life. For every one side, there is another. They are contradictory but true all at the same time. Kind of bittersweet. Velvet Ashes brings up an interesting idea of overcoming being a paradox of our faith. Because I don't think I could word it any better the following is part of the post from Velvet Ashes:

"What if one of the invitations of the word overcome is  o "come over" to God's idea of overcoming? What if we wean ourselves from how our home cultures see overcoming and slow ourselves down enough to ask God what it means to be an overcomer? I understand why we are drawn to unintended formulas like "Overcoming equals ____." Fairly predictable answers help to create a sense of control and safety.
Overcoming equals staying on the field.
Overcoming equals not taking medication and praying more.
Overcoming equals going to the field under-supported, trusting that God will provide.
Failure equals leaving.
Failure equals getting medical help.
Failure equals waiting.
God is inviting me to see that overcoming is moving beyond formulas and into an intimacy with Him where the answer will vary. Maybe for you, overcoming in a situation does mean you stay on the field. Maybe for a teammate it means they return to their country of origin. As long as we wed the idea of overcoming to an outcome, we are missing out on the wild fullness (and at times maddeningly unpredictableness) of God.
What if instead of talking of staying or going, success or failure, victory or defeat, we ask:
What is God's invitation to you in this?
What are you learning about God in this?
Where is God growing you?
Ah, now that might truly make us overcomers."

Wow. Great reminder that overcoming is not about me and what I can do, but all about God and what He has already done. A sense of failure invades my mind so often, but if I change the way I view what it means to overcome, the way I view failing will change as well. I need to constantly remind myself to set aside my mindset of succeeding or failing and focus on what God is doing in and through me in the process. We are more than conquerors through Christ.

Always a beginner...

Howdy! This week starts my third week back to work with students. As you may remember, I started this year with mixed feelings, anxiety, and a bit of trepidation. Now that I've been at it for two weeks, I can say it's not THAT terrible. No, I still don't enjoy sitting through high school classes. Yes, I miss spending time working closely with my coworkers. No, it's not the end of the world. Yes, there are aspects that I actually enjoy. My day seems to go incredibly fast for the most part (some classes can be more boring and slow). I am learning some things on a fairly daily basis. High school was a very long time ago for me, so some of it's like new! I'm in all of the typical core classes and a couple of fun electives. I've never really cared for English much but the teacher focuses on writing skills a lot so who knows, maybe I'll become a better writer! This is the second time in the past 4 years that I've sat through World History. Not much has changed there except the teacher and the detail included in each lesson. And oh my... science. Never been a favorite of mine; except for maybe the fun labs. And even then, I found the processing of labs blah. It's obvious that over the years, my mind has shifted gears. My creativity and inference skills have nose-dived in areas of little interest to me. Having to create and infer for myself and THEN explain in a way that the students I work with can understand is extremely challenging! So maybe, just maybe, sitting through all of these classes will be good for me. Maybe, just maybe, it will sharpen the skills that have dulled with age. In conclusion, this change in job responsibilities may not be the death of me, but might actually be good for me. At least a little bit. Only time will tell. But in the meantime, prayers for patience and the ability to aid my students in learning the best way possible would be greatly appreciated!

Outside of work, things are busy as usual. I've been going through boxes that have been packed up for at least the past three years to divide up into trash, garage sale, and keep piles. Needless to say, my room is quite a mess of random stacks. On the upside, I've officially emptied two boxes. On the downside, I need to start packing my books and other things into those boxes to move to the next house. I've also continued to make contact with possible financial partners to support me while I serve in Thailand. I've had some success and have actually jumped almost 20% in less than two months! Yay! I'm no longer stuck! That's a HUGE thanks! I still have a ways to go, but I will keep pressing on! If you know of other people or churches who may be interested in hearing my story, let me know!

Feeling a little lonely lately, I've tried to take advantage of time spent with friends. I've actually had quite a few opportunities the past few weeks. It's been fun and I've enjoyed listening and being a part of those groups, but something is still missing. I think I'm just low on the quality time spent in real depth of conversation. Even though the fun conversations are nice and bring about lots of laughter, I'm a person who is filled by talking at the heart level. In groups, that's just not a real possibility for me. I'm more of a one-on-one to tiny group person where there is space to share. It also may have something to do with not having that constant time of community at work anymore with my coworkers.

That brings me to this weekend. It is my once a month spiritual direction class. There is always depth there. Although I have quite a bit of homework to do before then, it will be a wonderful day. In spiritual direction we learn how to sit with and listen well to others as they explore the depths of their heart and try to deepen their relationship with God. It's a three year program and I'm just starting the final year. When I first began, I had hoped to make it through the first year before leaving for Thailand. As the first year came and went I found myself still here and starting the second year. At that point, I had really planned on making it through the second year and leaving for Thailand before the third year started. As you can tell, I'm still here. MY plans have not come to fruition. I stress the word MY because my plans are not always His plans. Isaiah 55:8 says, "'My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,' says the Lord. 'And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.'" Which then reminds me of Ephesians 3:20, "Now all glory to God, who is able, through His mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think." This is my prayer. These verses give me hope. I may not have made it yet, but I will make it at some point according to God's great plan. So year three, here I come. Obviously, the Lord has a plan and it includes year three of the spiritual direction program. Maybe only half, or maybe all of it. Only God knows.

These are my wonderful spiritual direction classmates.

Coat of Many Colors

The Lord knows and meets my every need. A few weeks ago I blogged about my struggle to receive and really feel love. Thursday I arrived at Lakeview for my last opening retreat of the Charis 3 year Spiritual Direction program. This starts my final year in the program. It was great to be reunited with my class after our summer break. That night we were each presented with a prayer shawl that was made and prayed over specifically for each of us. There were many beautiful shawls laid out on the table, but one caught my eye and I was drawn to it as we worshiped together before receiving them. We came to the time in worship when they would be passed out and I waited to see which one I would be blessed with. The one I had connected with earlier was picked up and she called my name as she walked over and placed it in my lap. It was mine! It was a shawl of many colors and I was instantly reminded of my favorite Old Testament character Joseph and his coat of many colors. Joseph's dad made him this coat because of his great love for him and because he was good, faithful, and thoughtful. This coat of many colors was a sign of Jacob's favor to Joseph. I started  this post saying the Lord knows and meets my every need. Sometimes He meets my needs simply through my feeling and experiencing His presence within me. And sometimes He meets my needs in very tangible ways. This prayer shawl is a very tangible way that He is showing me how loved I am. Just as Jacob made the coat of many colors for Joseph because of his great love for him, God placed a vision for this particular shawl in someone's mind to reveal His great love for me. I am loved and favored by God. I will treasure my "coat of many colors" and be forever reminded of God's tangible proof that I am loved. As I wrap it around my shoulders, I will remember that I am wrapped in His great love for me. We are all wrapped in His great love for us with or without a "coat of many colors." But having one certainly doesn't hurt!

Isn't it lovely?

The Struggle is Real

Tomorrow starts the 2016-2017 school year. I start this year with a lot of mixed feelings. First of all, I went through the majority of last year thinking it would be my last year. I've worked through that... or maybe I had. But maybe actually starting back now is a new form of the past let down that I need to work through again. Second of all, I've always worked, for the most part, in the classroom and have been lucky enough to spend some great quality time with my coworkers. I was blessed with having a great community of coworkers that I loved and got to spend time with while working with our students. This year is completely different. I've shifted into a new position along with my other previous coworkers. One is in a different classroom, one moved to another district, and I'm still working with the other but our new positions will have us out and about all the time so we may rarely see each other. To be honest, I think that is what makes me the most sad. I will miss that daily time in community. But there's also the anxiety that goes with starting something new as well. I will be traveling to different classes each period assisting students in general ed classes. I have to learn how to work with new students and with several new teachers as I go from class to class. I don't really know what to expect, how the teachers will react to me being in their classes, or what the expectations will be of me in each different class. I've been trying to be pretty positive about it for the most part, but all of these truths hit me full force on Friday and I've realized just how much all of these things are affecting me. Prayers for the start of the school year. For the students coming back. For the teachers and staff that will be working with those students. And for an overwhelming sense of peace throughout the school building as we get into a rhythm and build new relationships. And for peace in my soul.

I would also appreciate prayers as I evaluate my spare time and see just what opportunities to help and serve I can be involved in. My heart wants to say yes to everybody, but my body knows its limits and that I can't. It's very hard for me to say no to others and it seems like I have a lot of great opportunities vying for my time. My greatest desire is to focus on my support raising to get to Thailand and that requires my availability. I need to be available to schedule meetings with friends and possible supporters. I also need to continue my Thai lessons once a week. I also have a phone meeting once a week. On top of that, I'm trying to purge and pack so I can move to another house. My temporary housing has turned into a year now so I think I should probably follow through with the plan to move in with others now that their house is complete. Also, if you've ever worked for a school, you know how exhausting the first week is! I will be battling some major exhaustion this week while trying to be productive. Just being at staff development all last week with NO students left me so tired I had to take an hour nap once home the whole last half of the week! Prayers for discernment as I evaluate time, goals to accomplish, self needs, and my desire to serve. May God reveal to me what I can and can't do so that I do not take on more than I can handle.

Yes, this post probably seems like a lot of stress, but it's where I'm at and what I'm working through. I like to be as honest as possible so you can know my heart a little better. It is a busy month for me, for sure. Lots to do, lots to figure out, and lots of new. That being said, there are always positives! My Lucy is doing much better after being in pain for several days! I have a roof over my head, a car to get to and from, and a job to support me and all of my needs. I cleaned out my closet and got rid of a lot of clothes and shoes. I even made some extra cash selling some of the shoes. I had some great lunches with my coworkers last week and got to spend some quality time with them before school started. I got to share my story of serving in Thailand with a Sunday school class today and it was a lot of fun! My good friend, Charli introduced me and I just relaxed and had fun sharing bits and pieces of my story. Prayers for continued support raising are appreciated and if you would like to hear more, please let me know!

How He Loves

What does it mean to you to be loved by God? What feelings does God's love bring up within you? Have you ever doubted God's love for you? I know I have. Today's sermon was about how God's love changes everything. And it does. I've felt it deep in my bones and deep in my heart. It's a transforming love that brings healing throughout your mind, body, and soul. But just because you've believed it or experienced it in the past doesn't automatically mean you continue feeling it. Maybe it's an identity issue. Maybe you don't fully see or trust who you are in Christ. Whatever it is, when it happens, it sucks. I've struggled for many years of my life believing that I am worthy of God's love. That I am worthy of others' love. Maybe that's why I grew up a people-pleaser. Maybe I felt like I had to earn approval, to earn their love. Any way you look at it, you can't earn God's love. It's already yours. It is a free gift given to you through the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross. You are loved by God. Deeply loved. Like through and through loved. Nothing you ever do can take away that love. It's there whether you're open to feeling it or not.

A while back, I got this tattoo. It says love. I experienced the love of God like never before when I went on my Walk to Emmaus retreat. I came to experience God's love and the love of others to the full. The Emmaus retreat paired with God pursuing my heart after I had reached a low broke me wide open and I was emptied before the Lord. David Crowder's song "How He Loves" was played on the radio, in worship, and many other random places I'd find myself.  It seemed I couldn't get away from the message of God's love. I came to know beyond a doubt that I was loved. I wanted a constant reminder of that love so whenever I caught myself doubting it, I could remember. That's why I got the tattoo. I've always known in my mind that I am loved. My heart, on the other hand, doesn't always believe it. During today's sermon, I realized that I hadn't been experiencing God's love to the full. I was having a hard time accepting love from others and loving myself. Maybe it's because so much in my life is up in the air right now. Maybe it's because I feel like I've failed in some ways. All I know is that today, I found myself questioning that love again. In realizing that, I've had to take time to remind myself of my identity in Christ. I am not defined by my feelings. I am not defined by my successes or failures. Colossians 3:12 says, "I am chosen of God, holy and dearly loved." In Christ I am significant, accepted, and secure. 2 Timothy says I have been given a spirit of power, love, and self-discipline and 2 Peter says that I have been given exceedingly great and precious promises by God by which I am a partaker of God's divine nature. It is imperative to our growth and maturity that we believe God's truth about who we are. If you find yourself doubting God's love, I highly suggest spending time in His word seeking His truths about who you are in Christ. Or just google it. There are some super quick resources that will come up. Spend some time going over those truths and start claiming them for yourself. Don't live your life believing the lies that you are alone and unloved. You are loved. I am loved. We are ALL loved by God!
Remember, the more deeply we love, and the more fully we love, the more we reflect the glory of God to others. Love is imperative. It is the most powerful force in the world. Let us all love and be loved in return.

Don't let the world define who you are.

In God's eyes we are all worthy of love.

Glorious Ruins

What do you do when you're about to take a walk and it starts thundering and raining outside? You sit down to blog, right?

I've been back home since Monday evening. It hasn't even been two days, but it has not been easy. I kind of wander around my room like a lost puppy. With no scheduled sessions to attend, no constant community surrounding me, no entering the depths of who I am through daily conversation, and no set rhythm to my day, I'm just bored and don't know what to do. So, I started thinking about starting new rhythms, things that were hit on during the training, and things that would deepen my relationship with Christ while also bringing life and joy to my day. The first thing that popped into my mind was my daily gratitude log from MTI. I've been missing MTI and being bored the past few days kind of strips me of joy. There's no better way of bringing yourself joy than when you list all the small things that you are thankful for! So that's where I've begun. The little things to log in my gratitude journal since being back. Here's a small taste of what I mean: The two year old Clark I live with running back in my room after realizing I was back to wrap himself around my leg in a hug, my TMS spiritual gifts cohort skype call, calling to schedule a haircut and having an availability 2 hours later when it usually takes a week (yay for haircuts!), baby Gwen smiles, dinners with the family I live with, Blue Bell chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream for dessert, sleeping in my own bed, eating my favorite Thai dish for lunch, and new lotion from a special friend from MTI. Just little things. Things that bring me joy. Things that bring me life.

The next thing I want to do is think about everything I want to input into my daily rhythm and decide how I want that to look. It's important for me to do this before I start letting my time get filled with time wasters and modes of escaping for hours at a time in things that don't bring life. I want to have life giving rhythms once again. This requires some discipline so I know I need to go ahead and look at what it will look like once I start back to work. There are lots of things I'd like to incorporate, but I'll start with a few and gradually add more as the need for more arises. There. I have a plan to make a plan. Done. Just kidding. It's only the beginning.

Next: where is my heart in all of this? Every morning at MTI someone from among us led worship. It was a time that I really enjoyed. One morning someone sang the song Glorious Ruins. I don't know if you've heard it before, but it really captured my heart and expressed where I was, where I've been in the past, and where I'm going. Some of the lyrics are:

"Let the ruins come to life in the beauty of Your name, rising up from the ashes God forever You reign. And my soul will find refuge in the shadow of Your wings, I will love You forever and forever I'll sing. When the world caves in still my hope will cling to Your promise, where my courage ends let my heart find strength in Your presence." 

In some ways this reminds me of a study I did 3 or 4 years ago. We looked at Ezekiel 37:1-14 A Valley of Dry Bones. I was challenged to look into my own life and see what areas of my life seemed to have dried up and died. I remember realizing that my dry bones were actually my hopes for the future, my dreams. I was merely existing day by day without having any dreams or any hope for what was to come. I left small group with a new prayer that night. It was a prayer for God to give me a dream or to reveal to me past dreams and give me hope that they could still come. It was a turning point in my life. I prayed for a dream to emerge daily until something happened. A desire of mine that had been buried long ago started to to reemerge. After attending a short term trip to Peru with the youth group, a spark within me started to flicker. A desire for missions started to stir within me. A desire to go into all the world started to burn stronger with each short term trip I took that next summer. After Peru, Vietnam, and Kenya my dream was revealed. I had a new passion for life and I pursued it through TMS, trainings in India, Albania, and Colorado, and a vision trip to Thailand. And that, my friends, is why I'm now heading to Thailand (once fully funded) to serve. It's the dream that I was created with, a purpose that I cannot question. It's where my heart has always been and God brought it back into view. He let the "ruins come to life, rising up from the ashes." He breathed new life into my dry bones. And He's still breathing new life into me day by day. "Where my courage ends let my heart find strength in Your presence."

Ain't No Mountain High Enough

Just the quickest of updates. Yesterday I went on a day hike. The information I read about the hike itself said it was moderate in difficulty. The other hikes I'd been on said the same thing and they were easy so I went into this one a little unprepared. As I started the hike, it was ALL incline from the bottom to the top. It was way more steep than I had anticipated. It would have been super easy for me to simply turn around once I reached the end of the main trail and call it a day. But I didn't. I wanted to see what else the trail held. This next section of trail was no longer wide open and it also proved to be even MORE steep. It would have been soooooo easy for me to look up at the climb ahead of me and say, "Uh, no thank you. I'll just turn around now." But I didn't. I was on my own so there was no push to hurry or prove myself to anyone. Instead, I took my time steadily climbing the steep trail, proving to myself that I could do it. Finally, I came to the top and it cleared out a bit and there were large rocks I could climb up and sit on and look over the valleys below. I did it!! I reached the top!! And it was SOOOOO rewarding! The views were incredible! All I could do was sit on top of this massive rock with the wind whipping my hair back and forth and stealing my breath every now and then. I sat there for an hour marveling at God's beautiful creation. I was filled with such joy and peace. Thank You, God, for the beautiful hike and the precious time spent with You in Your amazing creation!

Know that no matter how hard life seems, no matter the difficulty or the challenge, the chaos surrounding you will open up to something far more beautiful than you can imagine. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next month or next year, but one day you will see the beauty and marvel at its existence.

Three Weeks Down, One to Go

As the third week of my time in Colorado for training comes to an end, it's hard to believe that I only have one more week left. The time has flown by and I've loved it! I've learned some very good lessons, learned all kinds of helpful language learning activities, made lots of new friends, had lots of great conversations, and had a wonderful coach for my weekly coaching sessions. I've been amazed at some of the insights that have come from the lessons learned. This week we focused on conflict management styles, reactions under stress, spiritual vitality, and Sabbath rest. I've had some deep conversations and some shallow conversations. I've taken many walks and I've had time to draw closer to God. Being single kind of sets you apart from all of the families, but knowing that I can handle doing things alone or on my own is super encouraging considering I'll eventually be moving to a foreign country on my own. I do miss my friends from home some times, but I've made some friends here that I enjoy talking to. My perspective has been broadened even more and I've gained so many new insights on how to do life well with a team and just others in general. I love the staff here at MTI and wish that I had more opportunities to talk with them one on one to get to know them even better. They have so much life experience and wisdom to share! I've continued to hang out with my fellow Texas peeps and the future Thailand peeps, but have also branched out to have meals with lots of others, too. There is just so much to learn from so many people, four weeks just doesn't seem like enough. I love living in community. I have my own room, but knowing the whole group is in this one building and our paths cross frequently leading to more conversations is such a huge blessing!
Tomorrow is Saturday and I have not made any plans. I will definitely go for a day hike somewhere, but I just don't know where yet. I hiked four miles up and down Mount Herman last Saturday. I also came across a Farmer's Market where I bought some fresh peaches, a sno cone, and a huge bag of delicious kettle corn! I  went to a tiny church on Sunday and enjoyed meeting people there. I haven't decided if I'll go back there this Sunday or try a different one. That one is nice because it's less than five minutes away.

Anyway, I'll close with a short story for you,  a God moment I experienced today. Today we discussed Sabbath rest and leaving margin in your life. We were "forced" to take reflection time. I was laying on my stomach outside in the grass with my head in my arms. I was pouring out all of the junk within me in order to be silent and transformed by God. I was unaware of my surroundings as I poured out my soul. I could hear a roaring sound in my ears but was detached from it as I talked to God. I finished and moved into silence at the same time as the roaring stopped and I was surrounded by silence. The roaring sound in my ears had been coming from a train that was passing by and it just so happened to finish at the same time as I did which led to the silence. And that was my God moment. Sometimes I'm so full of the chaos of life that the roaring in my ears makes it impossible to hear God. But when I pour out my heart to Him, the silence comes, thus transforming me.

Two other things I've taken note of this week are: I am a teddy bear and no matter how deep the pit you're in, God is deeper still.

Mi lukluk, tasol

Mi lukluk, tasol
Get it?

Howdy from Colorado!! I've been here for about a week and a half now. For those of you who do not know where "here" is, I am at Mission Training International. Here they focus on developing and equipping cross-cultural messengers of the Gospel of Jesus Christ for effectiveness, endurance, and personal vitality. These first two weeks have focused a lot on language learning techniques and I can honestly say I have learned so much! From doing phonetics drills where we make all kinds of funny sounds while watching our mouth in a little mirror to using techniques to practice learning some basic phrases or commands in a couple of different languages. I have learned a little Jeh and Vietnamese. It was definitely a unique and very effective way of learning that I will put into action as I continue to learn Thai. It has actually got me MORE excited about learning Thai! We've learned a lot about communication, differences in cultures and meanings, and perspectives, too. I've also had individual coaching sessions and singles lunches which are super awesome. I can't say that I get the option to talk to other singles going through this transition much at all so to have this opportunity is great! I'm looking forward to the last two weeks of training. I was told that we'd shift from being more in our minds to moving more into our hearts. Yay! I'm excited to see where we go from here!
Colorado is beautiful, of course. Plus, the temperatures are so much cooler than being back home in Texas. I've enjoyed taking lots of walks on trails, hiking at the Garden of the Gods, and the big firework display on the 4th where I actually felt chilled! I look forward to spending even more time outdoors during the next few weeks. It's definitely been a blessing to have the opportunity to spend more time outdoors. I've also enjoyed getting to know new folks and listening to their stories. I'm looking forward to continuing to deepen those relationships as we all continue to train and grow together! My table mates for main sessions are usually fellow Texans and future Thailand peeps. It's fun to be surrounded by those connections! Things just continue to get better and better as I find a rhythm and a place here at training. I'm spending more time with others and talking more. We're doing things outside of learning which only helps enhance and deepen those relationships.
In other news, my church's communion rail offering last Sunday was designated to me. Some church friends worked with me to create a little video sharing about my journey to Thailand which was emailed out to the whole church congregation on Saturday. I haven't heard the final offering amount, but whatever it is, I am just blessed to be so loved and supported by my church congregation. Just to have that opportunity in the first place is a huge blessing. I am also blessed that I will be the mission focus of a VBS at the church I grew up in! They have committed to donating their VBS offering to me! I was also blessed that my dad's church voted to donate their VBS offering to me, too. I can't even find words to express how much it means to me to be supported and encouraged by past and current connections, as well as by those I don't know all that well!
For those who really haven't heard much about how I got to where I am now, here's a little bit about that journey: Missions has always held a special place in my heart. I can remember being at GA camps and being so drawn to the missionaries that would come and speak. In high school, I wanted to pursue missions by going to a summer program but was not allowed to. From there, I continued serving locally within the church and LOVED the few trips I got to go on to serve in Mexico. Along the way, all of that kind of got lost in living day to day life as an adult. About four years ago, I got the opportunity to go with some youth to Peru to serve on a short term trip. That trip ignited a flame and the calling re emerged. The next summer I went to Vietnam for one month and Kenya for two weeks. After returning, I knew for sure I was supposed to be serving overseas long term. I partnered with TMS and through working with them found a placement in Thailand. Through partnering with them and attending various required trainings, I've had the opportunity to visit lots of countries. Beyond the ones already mentioned, I've been to Israel, India, Albania, Montenegro, Macedonia, Kosovo, and Thailand. The thing I love most about visiting all of these countries is the people. I love meeting new people, learning about them and their culture, and getting to share the love of Christ with them! Love is love in any language so where I can't fully communicate in words, love bridges the gap. I've experience it time and time again in every country I've visited! If you have questions, feel free to ask me. I love sharing my heart with others!

Garden of the Gods

First 4th in the US in 4 years!

Using new learning techniques to learn some Vietnamese

I was reading a book the other day and I came across this paragraph: "But beneath every secondary motive was a primary motive: He (Jesus) loved God, and he Loved to please him. Nothing he ever wanted or felt or did compromised the passion that ruled in his soul. He loved God with all his being. His idea of deep pleasure, of "soul joy," had nothing whatsoever to do with prestige or recognition or accomplishments or success or approval from others or even intimacy with friends. He found his deepest satisfaction in God. His identity was centered in his Father." My thoughts are, What would life look like if we lived like that?! What differences would that make in your priorities, your relationships, or your standing within the community? What passions rule in your soul? How many times do you feel like something's missing, that you're just not fully satisfied? Is it because you're looking to the wrong things to satisfy you? I know I experience that. How easy it is to fall into one of those other satisfaction boats. But none of those things every fully satisfy. Let's take an honest look at our life and how we live it and see where we can look to God to fully satisfy our souls. Let's see what things need to change in order to have our identities centered in God.

Liminal Space

A liminal space, the place of transition, waiting, and not knowing. It is the in-between moments, a period of discomfort and transformation. It is a space where your old habits, beliefs, and even your personal identity disintegrates.

I heard Rob Bell mention this in one of his Facebook live talks and was very intrigued by it. I'm sure it's of no surprise to you all that I am in a place of transition so of course this caught my attention.
Richard Rohr says it is "a unique spiritual position where human beings hate to be but the biblical God is always leading them. It is when you have left the tried and true, but have not yet been able to replace it with anything else. It is when you are finally out of the way. It is when you are between your old comfort zone and any possible new answer. If you are not trained in how to hold anxiety, how to live with ambiguity, how to entrust and wait, you will run... anything to flee this terrible cloud of unknowing." I read that when we become aware of our own liminality, most of us, if we're honest, don't know who to be or how to navigate it.

Hmm... liminal space. Before now, I didn't know there was a name for it other than the "in-between" that I've been calling it. I've definitely been experiencing some, if not all of this. Then, today, I started reading a new book and it totally spoke to me more about how to live in this waiting. One part spoke of looking beyond what we might think our discontent is. It said we need three things: an awareness of our inner longings, the courage to act on behalf of that longing, and a sense of community to support and maintain our interior journey. Longing and discontent is a wake-up call, an invitation to begin to begin. There are always times in our lives where we experience an inner sense, a fleeting thought, a little yearning to live our lives differently. "Our practical selves only know how to perfect, produce, and perfect. This, at least, we can see as useful. This has results. We want to believe in this way of perceiving. For a little while it seems to give us some sort of self-image" (Inviting Silence). I think this is how a majority of us fill the in-between, the liminal space. We fill the time with more and more to accomplish goals and feel important or make an identity for us. But how many of us just sit in it? How many of us listen for God in these moments? How many of us allow room for silence? Silence reveals. Silence heals. Silence is where God dwells. We yearn to be there. But yet we are often too scared to go there. We fill our time with more and more, never allowing time for transformation.

I was speaking to a friend the other day about this odd place I've found myself in. Life is still flying by, but I previously felt like I was doing more waiting than living. Realizing that, my mind has been opening up to ways to live while I'm waiting. Yes, I'm super passionate about my move to Thailand to serve full-time. I know that's where I'm supposed to be. But I can't stop living while I wait to get there. My heart has been drawn to community. What does that mean? I'm not quite sure. I've been trying new things, reaching out to new people, and trying to increase community with my closest friends. I've actually just recently figured out that this whole "community" thing is where my heart has been. In small ways, I've been trying to build or increase community in different groups of people. Whereas I typically withdraw a bit and shrink my circle of friends to prepare for an upcoming farewell, I've been branching out, meeting new peeps, and making new friends. Where is this coming from? I have no idea. God is doing something inside of me and now that I know where my heart lies during this waiting, I will continue to seek Him and His plan for me and the transformation He has planned for me. What is God's plan for me while I'm waiting?

Prayer and Transitions

It's been a very slow couple of weeks since my last blog. I can't believe that May is already almost over. Other than trying to make it through the last month of work before summer, I have spent a lot of time either in my head lost in thought or talking it out with God. I've been feeling a bit stuck and have struggled to see ways to move forward. Thankfully, God is always there to talk things through with. Prayer is such a huge blessing. I don't know what I'd do without it. I can take every fear and fret, every hope and dream, and turn it into a prayer. Prayer is there for my strength and sustenance. And when my brain feels too foggy, that's okay. He knows. I can let His Spirit and the prayers of His people intercede for me.

Romans 8:26 is one of my favorite verses! To know that when I have no words to pray, the Holy Spirit is interceding on my behalf is a great comfort to me. I am in a time of transition. Transition=Transformation (even when it just feels like chaos). Through every single transition I've gone through, God has done a major work in my heart. He's peeled back a layer of my soul and revealed truths about Himself and myself. Those truths are my treasures, the pearls of transformation in my life. Knowing that I am in transition, I remain open to new truths revealed about God and myself. It's not easy and it feels like chaos a lot of the time, but I'm learning to let go of the chaos, set aside my to-do list, and connect with God. Instead of getting lost in the chaos, I must stop and connect. My connectedness to God matters far more than my to-do list. My connectedness to those I love matters far more than my to-do list. Things will eventually come together. I will make it to Thailand one day. It may not be when I want it to happen, but that doesn't matter. I must connect to God and others. I must be intentional in seeking that connectedness and be aware of the opportunities to connect as they present themselves to me. I think that genuine spirituality is always on some level or in some way about letting go. I don't often have expectations. I prefer to live without to minimize disappointment and enjoy things as they are. Unfortunately for me, setting a goal for a launch date was like setting a BIG expectation. I have had to let go of that expectation and place it in God's hands. Letting go frees up a great amount of soul-energy that liberates a level of life I didn't know existed. Now, if I can just leave it in God's hands instead of constantly snatching it back and feeling the disappointment all over again!

In other news, I continue to learn and practice the Thai alphabet! I've learned many consonants and some vowels! One of the craziest things about the Thai alphabet to me is that there can be up to 3 or 4 different letters which make the SAME sound!! Can you imagine trying to pass a spelling test in Thai? I will just have to know which letter goes to which words!! I am very thankful for the friend who is teaching me and being patient with me in this learning process!

Also, Monday starts the last week of the school year and then I'm on summer break!! Woohoo!!! I will be heading to Arlington for the Special Olympics Track and Field State meet on Thursday. That's a four day trip with some of our high school athletes. It's usually a blast and I'm looking forward to it! Especially since it will probably be the last year I get to go.

Wrapping things up, the thing I'm looking forward to most this summer is my MTI training in Colorado Springs in July! That's four weeks of intense training to help equip and develop cross-cultural messengers of the gospel! I hope to make lots of new friends, learn TONS, and enjoy the cooler weather and nature of Colorado! What are you looking forward to most this summer?

In Christ alone, my hope is found.

Catching up from my last post, there's lots to say. I went on my Charis retreat two weekends ago where I had two presentations to do. The first night I shared about my journey to Thailand and that went well. I loved getting to share my story with my Charis friends! The second night I presented my spiritual mentor project. Yes, THE project that I was having so much trouble getting done. I finished it the night before leaving on retreat and it went great!
Here is the altar from my retreat:

The day after coming back from retreat, I left early in the morning and drove to Georgia. Yes, I drove it all in one day. I stayed at a friend's house and it was wonderful. I got to visit the TMS office and spend some time with friends there catching up and just chatting. I also got to go hiking a couple of days with the friend I was staying with! That was amazing. I love spending time outdoors and just soaking up nature! The last night I was there, the main reason I drove to Georgia, I got to have dinner with the Thai couple I will work with in Thailand! It was so awesome seeing them again. Email is so non-personal and just harder to communicate through. Face time is perfect! I got to ask some questions and just enjoy having face to face conversation. So great.

I hit the road early Thursday morning and drove just under 4 hours to Tennessee to visit some friends. I only got to visit with them for about an hour and a half because I had to get back on the road to drive home, but it was so great seeing them again! I enjoyed the visit and getting to meet their little one! After leaving Tennessee I drove all of the way back to Texas, home sweet home. Yes, it was a VERY long drive, but I made it back in one piece at around 2 am and immediately crashed in my bed to wake up a few hours later for work. Saturday, I caught a ride with some friends to see other friends in Dallas (three hours away) and to celebrate their kids' birthdays! It was great not to have to drive there after all of my previous driving. I got home late from Dallas, went straight to bed, and then woke up to drive two hours to visit my parents for mother's day. It was a great trip. Got to hear my dad preach, see some old friends, and treat my parents to the movie Mother's Day in honor of mother's day! It was a great movie, in case you were wondering.

And now, you are all caught up. So how am I doing? I'd say the travel break was amazing and I loved it. It was definitely a breath of fresh air, quite literally. But there are other things going on within me that are not so much a breath of fresh air, but somewhat suffocating. Have you ever struggled with self-worth? I have. Through a majority of my childhood and early adult years, my self-worth was kind of low to non-existent. I've improved leaps and bounds from what it used to be, but every now and then low self-worth rears it's ugly head. I catch myself beating myself up for silly mistakes. I struggle to take a compliment or believe that it is true. My confidence falters. Even though outwardly I've maintained a pretty happy and excited posture, inwardly my feelings of self-worth ebb and flow. For example: the quote I mentioned in a previous blog "Oh God, help me to believe the truth about myself no matter how beautiful it is" was a real eye opener to me that I was struggling. It struck a nerve within me because I couldn't see the beauty within. I couldn't believe there was beauty within. Because of struggling with self-worth, I've felt like a failure, like I'm not worthy. It's come and gone for the past month. Sometimes it's strong and sometimes I'm genuinely fine. Today was a low, though. Today I had to sign and turn in paperwork saying that I would be back to work next year. You may be wondering why that's a big deal. See, because I plan to move to Thailand to serve, I was really hoping that I could quit at the end of this school year and be ready to go in September. Unfortunately, my funds are not where they need to be for me to even consider quitting my job right now. And because of that, those feelings of inadequacy, of failure, and feeling unworthy threatened to take over. I was filled with a deep sadness. Even though I knew beforehand that my funds weren't where they needed to be, turning in that paperwork to keep my job was a very tangible proof that I'm not where I'd hoped I'd be. I struggled with this sadness all day. Then, I came across a verse in Romans which really kind of lifted my spirits.

Although I am still sad, I am reminded of God's great love for me even in my darkest moments. When I don't feel worthy of love or anything else, God still loves me! How incredible is that?! God still loves me! In Him, I find my worth. I am deeply loved whether I'm feeling wonderful and care-free or down in the dumps and like a failure. So why hold on to those fleeting feelings? I will cling to the love of Christ and find my worth, my identity in Him alone!

With Prayer and Thanksgiving

Don't you think it's amazing how easy it is to find time to blog when you're supposed to be doing something else? Like working on a presentation for this weekend's retreat? Yup. It's super easy! I needed a break so here I am. I know my last blog stated how busy I am and how I have so much going on so I thought in this blog I would post some of what that is. Some are prayer needs, some are prayer requests, some are things I'm thankful for, and some are upcoming events I'm excited about! I think the easiest way is to do it in a list-type format so here goes nothing; an inside look at what's going on and the emotions involved.

I'll start off with a reason to be thankful. Saturday was the big area Special Olympics meet that my dear friend Randi  (along with a partner) took the lead in planning in College Station. I was there as a coach to make sure all of our athletes got to where they needed to be for their events on time. It was an amazing day. The weather was great; sunny all day instead of the rain we'd had earlier in the week. The whole event ran smooth and like a well oiled machine! My athletes did fabulous and we had some wonderful young buddies to partner with each athlete and help them out all day. I know this event was a huge amount of work, but all of that work paid off as we had TONS of volunteers to run events and lunches and more! It's THE best Special Olympics meet I've ever been to! Great job Randi and planning committee! Job well done!

Another thing I am thankful for is, as I mentioned in my previous blog, I started Thai language learning lessons last week! I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am to start learning! Second lesson Wednesday! Woohoo!

A source of emotional turmoil for me has been the medical emergency with our outreach coordinator at my church. Manny had a heart attack last Tuesday and was rushed to the hospital and had a triple bypass surgery. The surgery went well and his vitals have all been good, but he has still not awakened since the surgery. It has been almost a week. Many prayers and support have been raised for him. His condition has saddened me tremendously. Although I have not known him long because he's only been at my church for a short time, he has become a part of my journey. He has shown genuine interest in knowing me and all about my journey into missions. He has offered support and help to me and genuinely cares about how I'm doing. I am not sure of the exact feelings that war within me during this time, but I know that I care for him and his wife and have been praying for his awakening. There's room for hope, but at the same time, there's the fear of the loss of that hope. Please join with me and the many others praying for him, for his awakening, his family, and the many lives he has touched that are struggling with his condition.

Man, it's hard to move on from that one. Maybe I should have saved that one for last. Breathe... And go.

Prayers for safe travels this weekend. Thursday afternoon I head out to a retreat, the retreat that completes my second year in my spiritual direction course. While on this retreat I have been graciously given the opportunity to share about my journey to Thailand. Prayers for this presentation, please! Also, the next day I will present my spiritual mentor project. This is the project I've been struggling to get done. Darn procrastination! I'd like to say I've been super busy, but I've had almost 9 months to get it done. Yes, I have done some research in the mean time, but I probably should have been more focused within these past 9 months in devoting specific time for it's prep. I've started piecing together information into some format today and will hopefully finish that separation of information and develop a layout by the end of tonight. I'm not overly worried about it really. It's just one of those things that makes me anxious because it's coming up. I'm not the biggest fan of being in front of others presenting projects. Mission presentations have been much easier than anticipated, but this is more facts and what I've learned from someone's life as opposed to my personal experiences. There are people in the room who have a lot of knowledge on my spiritual mentor and so it makes me a little nervous to present in front of them. Does that make sense? Anyway, prayers for all of that, please! I know it's going to be a great weekend. I ALWAYS enjoy my time within this community. I just need God to calm my performance anxiety, let go of my need to be perfect, and share from my heart over my head knowledge.

More prayers for safe travels. I come home from my retreat on Saturday, try to get some rest, and then hit the road really early Sunday morning to head to Georgia! I'm super excited about this trip! First of all, I get to stay with Becky, one of my church's previous pastors. It will be great to see her again and catch up on life together. I'm also excited about spending time outdoors with her. She posts incredible pictures of all the fun things she does in all the beautiful locations! Hoping for beautiful weather so I can enjoy some nature with her! Second, I get to visit The Mission Society office! I need to take care of some paperwork, but I also get to visit with some of the staff members who I absolutely love getting to spend time with! This is bound to be a good time! Third, I get to visit with the Thai couple I will be working with in Thailand! They will be in the states for meetings and I get to have dinner with them one night! That's such an exciting opportunity for me! Email communication is just sooooo lacking and it will be fun to see them and talk with them face to face. Thursday is a LONG day of travel for me. I will get up super early and drive to Tennessee to visit some good friends who moved out there. I've super missed them being a part of my every day life and I can't wait to see them, catch up with them, and just be a part of their journey for an hour or so. Yeah, only a little over an hour is all I have time for because I'll still have a 16-17 hour drive remaining. Yes, I'm trying to squeeze a lot into a short amount of time, but when you're already that close, you can't possibly pass up the opportunity to visit good friends! I've got to make it back in time to be at work on Friday. If I'd planned things a bit better, maybe I could have gotten approval to miss the whole week, but I didn't and I'm working with what I've got! It will be good. Some time with friends is better than no time at all! Prayers for the journey though. That is a long time to spend in a car by yourself in one day. 20 or more hours total to be exact! (As exact as "or more" is.) This trip will be well worth all of the driving in the end, though. Tack on to that driving to Dallas that Saturday for a best friend's kids' birthday party and there's more driving. And then the fact that the next day is Mother's Day, I'm planning to travel the two hours to my parents' to spend time with my mom! So much driving in one week!!! Prayers for my car! It will be a lot of miles on little zoom-zoom, but spending time with friends and family is priceless!

Continued prayers as I continue to develop financial partners for my cross cultural work in Thailand. It has been a very slow month and not much progress has happened. I've also been very busy with life this month and have only gotten to meet with two or three people. Prayers that opportunities to share my story with more people will happen and that I can raise more monthly support. I am so very thankful for those who are already supporting me and look forward to continuing to share my journey with you all! That being said, I have a HUGE joy! I've been trying most of the month to get a hard copy of my newsletter in the mail to everyone I have addresses for. It has been a very long process; waiting for approval by mail, multiple trips to the printing and bulk mailing company, and lots of updating and reformatting mailing addresses and the newsletter itself. After many hours of prep and waiting, my FIRST hard copy newsletter should be in the mail this week! Yay for mailing the April newsletter before May!

This joy seems pretty inferior to the rest of my list, but I'm super excited to be getting my hair cut Wednesday! It's been getting way too long, I've been too busy to schedule one, and by the time I do schedule it, it's always a week later before they can get to me! Finally going to have more manageable hair again! With the rain and humidity, this longer hair has been a pain. Long enough to curl crazily when wet, too short to ponytail, and takes too long to straighten currently!

Another joy: I got to share my Thailand story with my Sunday school class yesterday. I really enjoyed getting to do that. My class has supported me so much in all of my mission experiences the past few years and it was a joy to get to share more about where I'm at with them. Hoping they enjoyed it, too!

Prayers for a move would also be appreciated. I'll be beginning a packing, purging, and moving stage in May and move to another house outside of town. Moving is always stressful, but this time, even more so because I'm going to permanently simplify what I own. I've always been a bit of a pack-rat and although I've improved tremendously and simplified in every move, it's time for the BIG purge. I'm sentimental and it can be hard for me to let go of some things. Also, it's a little sad to be moving outside of town and away from being in the same neighborhood as a lot of friends, but it's still only 20-30 minutes away. It's not the end of the world, and most of my life I've actually lived out of town. These past ten years of being in town have been a blessing! I love the friends I will be moving in with but I will miss the family I'm currently living with. They have been a huge blessing in my life and I just love getting to see their little ones grow, learn, and experience the joys of life! Just continued prayers for my life changes and new seasons.

Life is good. It really is. No matter the struggle, the bad, the fear, and the sadness there is always joy, peace, love, beauty, and relationships that mean the world to you. I have so much to be thankful for! God's presence is evident throughout my life and throughout creation. I choose joy! I choose life! I choose God! Blessings to you all!

Is it May yet?

I know it has been a while since I last blogged. It's not because I haven't had anything interesting going on or because I've had nothing on my mind. In reality, it's because I've had too much going on and everything on my mind. I've been too scattered to sit down and really form any single thoughts or topics. My mind has been like a pinball machine with thoughts, to-dos, busy schedule, emotional highs and lows, and everything else that could possibly keep me distracted from focusing on any one thing for more than a moment. At this point, I'm just ready for April to end. Once I can get through April, a lot of stress and busyness will fade out.
See, I have this presentation I have to do at a retreat next week and well, I've not made a whole lot of progress on it. Okay, in reality, I've not even began forming my collection of random facts and quotes into some type of presentation. Yes, I have actually done some research and have notes from this research down, but there's a lot more that needs to happen before I can present it. I've just been soooooo busy with other various requirements and life that I've struggled to have adequate blocks of time to sit with it and figure it out. Here's to getting it done at the last minute! Less than a week left to prepare it, practice it, time it, prepare visuals, and present it! I also have two mission presentations to do in this next week. I'm excited for the opportunity to share my story for sure. Tomorrow, I spend the day volunteering at our Special Olympics track and field meet. I'm also preparing to leave the state for five days immediately following the retreat next weekend. I've had my car in the shop twice now repairing stuff and doing routine maintenance. To top everything off, I have also not been sleeping. Running off of sheer willpower and deadlines!
I'm not saying all of this to say, "oh, woe is me." Nope, not at all. April has been a really great month. I've had some great experiences and spent time with amazing people and I've learned a lot! I've been loving life. There have been some tough and even sad moments, but life has been good. Mostly, it's just the fact that the end of April happens to be the deadline for a major project/presentation, runs into my big road trip to Georgia, and prep for both of those things on top of the rest of my crazy busy schedule. I'll be excited to just get through it so I can put all of that behind me and start focusing back in to preparing for Thailand and raising funds. So yes, I'm so ready to finish April and start May!
Fun news for you: I took my first Thai lesson on Wednesday. It was great! I'm so excited to have the opportunity to learn some basics of Thai before I actually move to Thailand and go to language school! More fun: I attended a silent retreat back at the beginning of April and it was a wonderful experience! So nice to be in a community of people, but completely at peace in total silence! I've also spent some wonderful time with friends this month. Good things are happening.
It's getting late now and I have an early morning dog sitting and coaching some Special Olympics tomorrow so I'm going to leave you with this thought. "Oh God, help me to believe the truth about myself no matter how beautiful it is." -Macrina Wiederkehr. What feelings does this quote bring up within you? How does it affect you? Feel free to share your thoughts. I was very intrigued with it and have sat with it many times since I heard it at the beginning of this month.
Also, I promise to blog better when this presentation is done and over with! ;-)