Fast forward a couple of days and my funding had increased yet again. I was now at 91% and the truth that this was quite possibly my last summer in the states was starting to set in. I was blessed to get to go on a ladies' trip for a few days with my faves and it was so much fun! On our last full day there, I was giving my friends a hard time for something they had done and it was quite funny. I was really fake mean mugging them good when all of a sudden, as I looked from one face to the other, something inside of me broke. I realized that this was quite possibly the last time we would be together like that. Little did I know how true that thought actually was. That actually was the last time we were all together like that.
Whatever it was that completely broke inside of me remained broken for a few weeks. Especially as I hit the funding marker to buy my plane ticket. I was sad, I had no appetite, and I didn't understand why I wasn't more excited about finally reaching my goal. I realized later that I had entered into a time of mourning. As much as I know that I know that I know that I'm supposed to go into all the world and that my heart and passion lie in that calling, it doesn't make it any easier to leave. I finally knew that I was leaving for sure and was able to tell people. I think that I may have a few friends that wish I wouldn't leave. Maybe they (like me) know it's what I'm meant to do, but they still don't want to lose me. Guess what. I don't want to leave or lose you either! Your friendship and companionship over the years means so very much to me. It's the one thing that makes leaving the absolute hardest thing I feel like I've ever done in my life. And even though I know we'll still be friends, yada yada yada, it won't be the same. No matter what you say or how many promises or reassurances you give about staying in touch, it will never be what it was. It's the little things that make friendships so great. So when you're across the world you miss those little things. You don't get to keep up with the latest and greatest to the smallest and leastest in their lives because once you actually do get to talk around the twelve hour time difference, all you get is a tiny snapshot of the life you used to be a daily part of. Now don't take any of that the wrong way. Yes, I WANT to keep up friendships once I leave. I want to keep trying to have regular meaningful conversations with you as often as possible. I would love to hear from you daily about the little things. I would just love to hear from you in general really. I don't want to cut off all ties. Just because it will be different doesn't mean I don't want to try. Maybe I'm wrong and communication won't change that much. I sure hope I'm wrong.
Yes. I think about these things. No. They don't make leaving the country any easier. But what they do is help me prepare for and cope emotionally with the transition that's coming. I love my friends and would do absolutely anything for them. I'm the kind of person who will drop everything and come running with the slightest hint of their need. Once I leave, I will no longer be able to drop everything and run over to their place or whatever. I can no longer be that person for them. And that absolutely kills me inside. It makes me feel like I am abandoning them.
That brings me to where I am in all of this right now. Oddly enough, my self-protective nature has really diminished over the years. Where I once would pull away from and distance myself from the ones I love in an attempt to make it easier to leave, I find myself only wanting to draw closer to and enjoy my last summer with my closest friends. I want to spend as much time as possible with them face to face while I still can. I want to be a part of their daily lives and hear all of the little things I can before that's no longer an option. I want to know your thoughts, hear your rants, laugh and tease each other, know what's frustrating you and what's making you happy, to know your fears, your dreams, and your hopes. I want to be there for you as much as possible while I still can in person. Not that I won't be there for you once I'm gone, but to be physically there for you in the now. Same thing goes for family. I know I don't always get to visit or see everyone as much as I'd like, but I would love to see and spend time with you at least once more before I leave.
Ok. That wraps up the sappy, sad emotions. Now, on to other emotions. Of course, there is excitement! Oh my goodness! The goal I've worked towards achieving for the past two and a half years has finally been reached! I am now able to leave to start serving long term in Thailand!! I can't wait! But with that excitement comes a lot of other thoughts and emotions, too. Transition is hard, y'all! And I'm not even there yet! I've got to think about housing, language learning, relationship building, and the like. But that's all for once I'm there. The list of things to do before arriving is crazy! I've got to find an airline that will allow me to carry my dog on for the flight. That's not as easy as I thought it might be. There is fear that I won't be able to find one and dread that I won't be able to take her with me. I really think that with her age, she needs to be in the cabin with me to relieve stress. But I've struggled to find a flight that will even allow her in cargo. Prayers for that, please. Lucy is a huge part of my life. She is my immediate family. As hard as it would be for me to leave her behind, it would be even harder on her feeling like I had abandoned her for what could be the rest of her life. I also can't apply for my visa until I get my airline ticket so this really needs to happen asap. Then there's the scheduling of all the doctor's appointments and all the money those cost! Yikes! Also trying to figure out prescriptions and their availability and if I can get any extra before leaving to have a supply. That's even more expensive!
Other stressful things on my plate include: Sorting through my belongings, finding shipping options, and preparing for a garage sale. Preparing for my ice cream social at the church- sending invites, arranging for technology needs, updating my presentation, and more. Writing a newsletter update to get out before leaving to let people know where I'm at. Trying to raise a little more support in the way of monthly pledges. Keeping up with basic daily needs such as feeding myself, working out, grocery shopping, laundry, and more. Preparing all of the visa paperwork for me and for Lucy. Continuing to call airlines to find the right one to use for both me and Lucy. Figuring out finances. Wanting to be with or talk to friends and family as much as possible. And more. I'm pretty sure the list could go on and on and on if I let it. But this is not about making lists. I've already got enough of those. This is to give you a small taste of all the emotions I'm experiencing through this major life transition. Excitement, fear, joy, sadness, anxiety, anger, faith, trust, exhaustion, compassion, mercy, grace, love, kindness, grief, patience, and a little helplessness from time to time. I can range in feeling just a couple of those to the whole range of them in one day. Some times those emotions cycle up and down throughout the day multiple times. Some times I'm just stuck in one set of emotions. It all depends on the day.
With all of that being said, summer is almost over. It's my plan to leave in one month. Feelings are everywhere. To-do lists are everywhere. Things can be a little chaotic within my mind and heart from time to time. But time-wise, I'm not super busy so please let me know if you'd like to hang out! Other than this weekend. I'm going out with a couple of the besties for a ladies' weekend! Just what every girl needs. Something to fill the aching need for time with loved ones. And what else do I do? I workout. I workout a lot. It has become a good outlet for emotions that I can't yet put words to. It makes me feel better most days. And it makes me feel healthier.
If you've stuck with reading this and have no idea what my dream is, good for you. About three or four years ago I started feeling like I was being called to leave the US and go into all the world. I didn't really have a specific place in mind, I just knew I was supposed to go. I started the process of moving forward with that call two and a half years ago by interviewing with a sending organization. Once I was accepted by them, I began the work of training, going on a vision trip, and raising support. Now, after two years I have enough funding to purchase my plane ticket and head to Thailand to live and serve as a volunteer for the next five years. It's felt like forever, but it's finally here. There were seasons of doubt, seasons of fear, and seasons of joy and excitement during this long journey. Now, as this journey comes to an end, the next journey of actually living the dream begins. Always a beginner. No matter what. It's so funny though. During these past two years I used to say that if someone wrote a check to cover my full term, I'd leave immediately without a blink of an eye. Now that it's here, it is not so easy to leave. Not at all. But I will keep moving and look forward to the days to come while cherishing the moments and memories of days past.
