Back in December, my Thai leaders decided that I was not meeting their expectations after just a few short months of living in Ranong. Communication was never clear as to what those expectations were exactly, but that just goes with working with folks whose first language isn't the same as yours. Although I tried very hard to do all that they asked, it just wasn't enough and they told me they no longer wanted me to work with them. It was a very heartbreaking time as I had been pouring my heart and soul into teaching the kiddos, working hard on learning names, practicing and trying to improve my Thai (every night I would bombard my Thai friend with questions about Thai), settling into a rhythm, and adjusting to living in Ranong. With that news, I packed a small suitcase and Lucy and headed to Bangkok before Christmas.
My best friend had told me to come stay with her so that I didn't have to be alone through that heartbreaking transition. I spent Christmas and New Years in her home town with her family as I worked through various emotions and pain. It was nice to not be alone during that time. After that, my friend helped me find a place to live in Bangkok, helped me get everything moved, and continued to be my support when I fell apart or worried about what the future held and began to make plans for that future.
One thing I knew without a doubt was my heart was called to Thailand, my time here wasn't finished, and I needed to figure out a way to stay here. With that being said, I did the quickest and easiest thing which was apply for an education visa and began studying Thai again. Since I didn't plan on leaving Thailand, that meant I was leaving my old organization because they don't allow you to stay in country when breaking away from a Thai partner. That also meant that I would no longer have funding coming in. But the Lord has been gracious and continues to provide a way for me to stay here. I wanted to find a new organization before making this post, but that process has gone a bit slower than I thought it would.
So I'm sorry to say, I still have no answers about what the future holds. But here's what I'm thinking. I can have a student visa for a little while so that part is easy. My first goal is to find a new organization to handle donations so I can receive funding again. After getting all of that figured out, I will reach out to various organizations and contacts I've already made here with ministries I can join in with and work with. As of now, I'm not sure exactly what type of work that will be, but I'd still like to teach. And if given an option, I'd love to have time to explore ministry on my own as well. But just because I'm not tied to an organization or ministry right now does not mean that I'm not doing anything and just enjoying life in Thailand. I believe ministry is relationship and I try to love well in all that I do so that I may be an example of Christ's love to others. I'm studying Thai because I believe communicating in their heart language is important. I've been studying Thai traditions which has allowed me to really come to a deeper understanding of the Thai belief system. I've also been studying private lessons on the Bible and prayer in the Thai language. I want to understand the bible better. I think I'm improving in my Thai. It's still super frustrating sometimes because I still feel I know so little or I still forget so much. But I keep trying!
With that, there's not much else to be said. I'm trying to move forward. But sometimes the heartache comes back. Sometimes it's overwhelming. What do you do when you have a fear of rejection, but your past few months have been nothing but rejection? It's not always easy. Some days it's pretty rough. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I'm angry. And sometimes I'm content and happy. I feel I'm where I belong. Noone ever said the journey would be easy. So here I am, pressing on, moving forward because the strength and love of Christ compels and equips me to do so.
From here on out, I will try to update you on changes and new developments on a regular basis. I appreciate your prayers and support more than words can express so thank you.
