Uncertainty is the Most Stressful Feeling

Life is still moving on ahead, slowly at times, but mostly seems like at the speed of light. I'm happy, I have some amazing friends, I have a job that's not too bad and I love my coworkers, and I have a support team that's always looking to help me move forward. My sweet Lucy is always here keeping me company and giving me love. My friends encourage me to get out of the house by getting me to work out with them as well as go to the movies or eat out with them, so I'm not stuck at home all the time or doing everything alone. It's been fun! I'm learning lots of great things in my spiritual direction class and am open to more and more growth. Honestly, my life is pretty good overall. There are some trying times in life, but I work through those times and continue moving forward. The following talks about some of those trying times, how they affect me, and how I get through them. They in no way define my life as a whole. Reading the article I talk about after this helped me evaluate some unknown feelings and name some stuff I hadn't realized I feel at times. So it's been great! I'm learning and growing all the time!
The other day I read an article about waiting. It brought up a point I had never thought of before. Why is waiting so hard? It said that waiting was hard because after a while, we begin to believe that we've been forgotten. Have you ever felt like you've been forgotten? It got me to thinking about how waiting makes me feel and if I really do feel forgotten sometimes. The answer is yes. I do feel forgotten sometimes.
Sometimes I feel forgotten by God. I know it's not true, but it doesn't stop me from feeling that way from time to time. The truth is that He sees me and cares for me and loves me more than I can even understand. John 8:32 says that the truth will set you free. I must acknowledge my feelings, but I must also acknowledge God's truths and continue moving forward knowing I am known and loved.
Sometimes I feel forgotten by my church. In a large church it is easy to get lost in the masses, so to speak. Most of the time I feel loved and known by my church in some way. But occasionally I feel small, insignificant, and lost.Those feelings can cause confusion, hopelessness, and anger at times.
On occasion, I may even feel forgotten by those I plan to join in Thailand. Not that I am in any way, but "out of sight, out of mind" plays through my mind at times. Whenever those feelings come on thought, I am inevitably contacted by someone in Thailand just checking in! It's amazing. Not only am I not forgotten by those in Thailand, but it proves I'm not forgotten by God because He provides for my every need.
I think one of the saddest times is when I feel forgotten by family and friends. No, I don't believe any of my family or friends have really forgotten me. More often than not, it's just my loneliness or sadness that has made me feel separated from them and not any actions of theirs. Again, I know I am loved. I know I have people on my side. I feel their support all the time. But in the waiting, it's easy to feel forgotten. I had just never realized that before reading the article.
Another thing it mentioned was how waiting feels like self-consumption. I had to think for a moment on just what self-consumption means. I know that consumption means to use up or destroy something or to decay. Does that mean that in the waiting, I am slowly using up or destroying myself bit by bit? I guess in a way, it does if I let it. I guess at times it seems like I am slowly whittling away to nothing while I wait. Filled with questions, doubts, and feelings of inadequacy, those things gnaw at me slowly eating me up inside. I'm not saying this is an all the time thing. It isn't. And it's not permanent. I work through it and move on. It's just new to have words to describe it.

These phases come and go. I must always refocus on God. God has a plan and a purpose for my life. All things in His timing. In waiting for His timing I have to ask myself, "What am I missing? What is His plan in the waiting, the in-between?" I sometimes try to make answering those questions very complicated, but it's not. Seasons of waiting strengthen my faith and courage to move forward! When I take time to respond to those questions, I see great things I could have missed out on had I not been waiting on God's timing!
I have developed some deeper friendships with others, old and new! Had I not been here this school year, I would have missed out on the deep, meaningful friendships I have developed with some of my coworkers. Some of them are new, but deepening those with two I've known before has been amazing! These friends have served as a huge encouragement and inspiration to me this year.
Having a delayed departure for Thailand has allowed me to be more intentional about spending time with my family. I've enjoyed getting to catch a nephew's basketball game during a visit and watch my niece in a parade! Visiting my parents more regularly has allowed for some great quality time.
Obviously, there has been a growth in my faith. Faith has always been important and vital to my life. The waiting has increased that faith by leaps and bounds for sure! It has given me the opportunity to complete my spiritual direction course which I might not have been able to do if I'd already left the country. In developing a deeper faith, I've also become more confident. Not a self-centered confidence, but a God-confidence. I've also become less self-reliant. All of these things will be very beneficial to me in my life and work in Thailand.
One of the last things I've realized is that I am actually an inspiration to others. I don't say that in a pompous or prideful way. In fact, it's more of an answer to prayer. I've always felt like God wanted to use me to inspire others for the better. In others telling me that I've inspired them, or that I'm an inspiration, I know that God is using me even in the waiting. My decision to step out of my known and into a whole new way of life serving those in other countries has apparently had a positive affect on others. Apparently, even in the waiting, my life and decision to serve testifies to God's call on it which encourages and inspires others to some form of action.

All of that to say I definitely go through periods of great stress. Currently, I am in one of those periods. Do you know how I know? There are quite a few things that I've noticed lately that point to being stressed. Number one is probably sleepless nights. I can't sleep well. I've switched prescriptions for sleeping meds and still can't sleep. I'm working out more frequently and I still can't sleep. It's quite tiring. Literally. Another thing is list writing. Apparently, when I'm stressed and have a lot on my mind I make a lot of lists. Lists about what needs to be done, lists about finances, lists of questions to ask about moving to Thailand, lists of phone numbers and email addresses, lists of ideas, and even lists of different workout schedules. I find myself writing lists or mentally making lists almost daily. Another one is all of those aforementioned feelings from the beginning come up to bite me in the butt! I become a little more sarcastic, less cheerful, and a little more snarky. I don't like that version of me very much, but when stress is building that's what comes out. The funny thing about this whole blog is that it's pretty much a list, too. Ha.
Yes, I am stressed. I have a lot going on right now and the waiting is less sitting still and more moving full speed ahead without catching a breath. I recently found out that my grandma has cancer which has caused a great sadness within me. I have prayer day lessons and handouts to plan and type as well as listening logs to type up for my last official spiritual direction class next weekend. I'm trying to practice my Thai studies on a regular basis. I'm always thinking about and looking for opportunities to raise support for getting to Thailand. I need to find temporary housing for the next 5-6 months before leaving for Thailand. I'm packing and going through stuff in my room to downsize and get ready for Thailand. I mean, the list could go on and on because it does in my head. It's no wonder I can't sleep.

But in all of this, I must remind myself that God has a plan. Louie Giglio says that God's plans for our life far exceed the circumstances of our day. How very true! Ephesians 3:20 says, "Now to Him who is able to do infinitely more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us." In spite of all my failings, my doubts, my disappointments, and cynicism God loves me and continues to work in my life and do great things. I can persevere because my hope is in Him alone. Nothing else will do.

I cannot depend on my own understanding or wisdom. Only what God reveals to me. I must continue to put Him first in all things and everything else will eventually fall into place. I will continue to have courage and be kind. Kindness and compassion are at the core of who I am so I will choose to live life out of that and work on releasing the negativity that makes its way into my mind so easily in trying times.

Silence is Golden

This past Monday-Wednesday I got to attend a silent retreat. It was so great to get away from everything that keeps me so busy here at home. I spent time crafting, sitting in silence, sitting by the lake, taking long walks while thinking, processing, and praying, and even stretching each day. I got some sad news as I drove to the retreat so the peace and quiet of those days really helped me to process the news. It was a nice time to get away. Last week was spring break so with this retreat being right after that, I got a whole week and a half off from work! It was a much needed break. I forget just how tiring my job can be some times until I take off and others fill in for me and express how tiring it is. Spring break was a great week. I joined a gym and also took advantage of a free week of yoga classes. I did anywhere from 2-4 workout classes per day for the most part! It was great! The yoga classes helped me learn some stretches I can use on a regular basis to loosen up my hips, legs, and feet. I also went to visit my mom and took her out to see The Shack for her birthday. We ate popcorn and drank soda during the movie and then I treated her to a late lunch of crawfish. I still think there's no one else out there that can do crawfish as good as the Couch family! We had a great afternoon and even picked up some of Bluebell's new flavor ice cream cone to have for dinner with my pops! It was a great day hanging with my parents and I'm glad I had the break to go do that.
In other news, I mailed and emailed out my latest newsletter about my journey to Thailand. If you're not receiving them by mail or email, send me your info and I'll add you to the list. If you think I should already have your email address, check your spam or promotions folder. In gmail, it typically ends up in my promotions folder. Try adding my email address to your contact list to see if that helps. Anyway, I am more than willing to forward it on to you if you're interested. It includes articles on meeting the bishop and Lucy. It also has a new Thai word of the month! I'm currently about 72% funded so I'm getting super close to being able to set a departure date!! Please consider helping me close that gap to get me to Thailand! Whether you want to pledge $10 a month or $200 a month, all gifts make a difference! I would really love to leave for Thailand this summer. My team eagerly awaits my arrival so I can jump in and get to work learning the language and serving! Speaking of learning the language, I'm continuing on with my Thai lessons. This week we learned colors and numbers. I already remember 4 colors well! I have a lot of practicing to do, though. After having spring break off from lessons, I really struggled remembering some of the last words learned. If you're ever interested in going through flashcards with me, let me know! It's always more fun to learn with a friend!!
April is right around the corner. Hard to believe March has come and is almost gone. With April also comes my very last Spiritual Direction class. This has been a three year class so it's crazy to think that the last class is in just two weeks! Our assignment for this next class is to plan and present a prayer day to our class. I'm working with two other classmates to plan a day. Unfortunately, we won't get to hold it before class, but thankfully that's not a requirement. Guess I'll need to organize my thoughts  a bit more and get it all down on paper soon! April may be our last class day, but we also have a closing retreat in May and a graduation ceremony in June. I'm looking forward to graduating, and I've been so blessed to learn and practice spiritual direction. I think these skills will help me so much in serving others in Thailand!
I guess that about wraps up everything for now. I can say that I've been working on my goals I set for this season of Lent. Giving up playing all games on my phone has been a bit challenging and I kind of miss them in those times when I'm just killing time waiting, but it has definitely served its purpose well. I have become more aware of what's going on around and within me and have been able to process things a bit more readily. The other inward challenges have proven to be challenges, but my statements about each of them play through my mind whenever I realize one of them has crept in. Gossip, negativity, fear of failure, comparing myself to others, and doubt have a nasty way of sneaking in. But to continue working on being aware of those things, it's easier to shut them down before they have time to take root!
Lastly, here are a few pictures from my spring break and silent retreat. Enjoy!

Pinot's Palette with Randi

Daily walks with Lucy on spring break!

Finger labyrinth I made at the Silent Retreat

Ash Wednesday

Today is Ash Wednesday which marks the first day of Lent. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Lent, here is a brief description. It is a time (40 days) when many Christians prepare for Easter by observing a period of fasting, repentance, moderation, and spiritual discipline. You may hear lots of people talking about what they're giving up for the next 40 days. These things range from items like chocolate, sodas, and desserts to things like social media, shopping, and even complaining.
Personally, I never knew what Ash Wednesday was because it wasn't something my church did when I was growing up. Only in the past five years or so have I really begun to focus on the true meaning of Lent and what it's purpose is. As with each year, I've spent some time reflecting on my life. Where I'm at, where I want to be, and what things work against that. I came across an article on Facebook that really made me take a deeper look within. It was good for me to do this and I think this intentional season of fasting will be a good reminder to constantly work on and be aware of the following issues.
This year for Lent, the inward things I have decided to give up are gossip and negativity, fear of failure, comparison, and doubt. For gossip and negativity, I will work at being careful with the words I let come out of my mouth and work to build people up rather than tear them down. For fear of failure, I will choose to remember to keep pressing on knowing that we don't succeed without failures. For comparison, I will remember that I am the only me and have unique contributions that only I can offer to the world around me. For doubt, I will choose to remember scriptures saying that God's plan for me is far greater than I could ever imagine and that my future is far brighter than I can ever realize. The outside thing I've decided to give up is time wasted on playing multiple types of games on my phone. I think that every time I have a slow moment and go to pick up my phone to play a game, I will stop and think about the inward things I'm giving up. Not playing the games will allow me to build an awareness to the inward wars going on inside of me and wage war against them. I want to focus on being a healthier person both on the inside and outside so I will continue to work out as well as spend time journaling and praying about the inward stuff.
I think this is a good goal for Lent. It will be challenging, but very rewarding! It will definitely help me draw closer to Jesus and really live life more intentionally. In all I do, I want to bring glory to God. Living life more intentionally and giving up time fillers to seek Christ in the midst of inner turmoil will help me establish an even more firm identity in Christ. In all that I do, I want to seek Him first. Help hold me accountable, friends! Keep it real!