Life Before and After Arrival

Howdy folks! I know, I know, it has been a long time since I posted. But hey, it's my first post from Thailand so get excited! But let's go back to before I left Texas.

The last few weeks of August were absolutely crazy! I had purchased my airline ticket already and it was time to take care of the rest of the paperwork. I had to fill out all of my insurance, tax, and employment forms to send in. I also needed to get my visa and get Lucy's health certificate. Well, first I went to drop off my passport and paperwork at the Thai Consulate's office in Houston. She wanted another letter and said I could email it to her once I got it. I left there thinking that I would go back the following Monday after the weekend and pick up my passport and visa. Well, in came Hurricane Harvey which closed down Houston for what ended up being 3 days of that week and I had to start considering the fact that I might not get my passport and visa back in time to leave on my scheduled flight. I also had to get Lucy's paperwork done, but without knowing if I was going to get to leave or not, I was hesitant to spend the money to do it because it expires! I was supposed to be flying out the following Monday. Anyway, long story short, Wednesday I decided out of faith that God had everything under control and I should just move forward as planned (I think He really just wanted to remind me of Who was in control, and it wasn't me). I took Lucy to the vet to get her health certificate filled out that day knowing that I needed to drive to Austin the next day to get it certified by USDA APHIS. I left early, like 5 am, to drive the two hours to Austin to get Lucy's paperwork certified. I had to wait there for two hours while that happened. It was approved and certified and I headed back towards home. On the way home I decided to call the Thai Consulate about my passport. No one had answered the phone Mon-Wed so I was just hoping that she would pick up that day. And she did! At first, I was a little shocked, but then I quickly gathered my wits and asked about when I could get my passport and visa. She asked if I could be there by 2. I answered back with probably, but could I come tomorrow (Friday)? She said they are not open to the public on Fridays. So that was it. I HAD to be there by 2 pm if I wanted to leave on Monday. Of course, don't forget, the airport was still closed to international travel at this point too. So I still didn't know if I could really leave even after getting my passport. I told her I'd be there and she asked for the letter I had emailed her. I told her I emailed and she said she never received it. She said she'd process the visa if I would bring a printed copy of the letter with me. Well guess what that meant? I had to drive all the way back to College Station to pick up a copy of the letter that I had a friend print for me and then drive all the way to Houston. Thankfully the roads were all open (once flooded from Harvey) and I made it there in record time! Less than an hour and a half! I arrived at 1:40 and actually had to wait for her office to open back up at 2. Went in, talked for a few minutes, got my passport and visa, and drove back home! YAY!!! I was set to leave on Monday if the airport opened back up! Needless to say, it was a very, very long day! Of course, shortly after getting home, I headed to the gym to make up for all the time sitting still as I drove. That was 7 hours in the car alone!

After that it was a whirlwind race to pack up everything in my room and bathroom, load it all in my car, and hit the road to my parents' house that Sunday. Even once I got to my parents' house I still had a lot to do because I had to keep packing and unpacking and weighing and unpacking and all that for what seemed like several hours until I just accepted that I'd pay for an extra suitcase and one overweight suitcase. I was tired of trying to figure it out. What was Lucy doing during all of this? She was frantically staying on my hills and watching every move I made hoping she got to go. We got to the airport just fine, weighed all of my suitcases on the official scale and had to reorganize just a few things, got checked in, and Lucy and I spent a few hours walking and waiting to board. The 24 1/2 hour flight with layover went well. Lucy did extremely well. She made it all the way there, almost 2 days with all of the drive time included, without pottying once! But let me tell you, she could not wait to get out of that small carrier! She was beyond excited!!! We were finally in Thailand!! Our new home for a while!

Adjusting has gone pretty well. It didn't take long before I was sleeping through the nights. Jet lag affected me with extreme headaches every day for a week, afternoon exhaustion, lightheadedness, and sometimes just a general feeling of ickiness that could not be attributed to any one thing. I've almost been here 2 weeks now and I'd say that Lucy and I have adjusted very well! First off, Lucy loves the grassy area she gets to play in:

Lucy bouncing in the grass barking at nothing

Lucy laying in the shade

I've been blessed to have another family staying here with me off and on and they showed me around and helped me get some furniture type things. It's been fun to have others to talk to from time to time. It can get a little boring here with not a lot to do at the beginning. I'm looking forward to when I can start language school and find some kind of rhythm to my days. In the mean time, I have a stack of books for required reading before a training I go to at the beginning of October.

Speaking of October, it will be a very busy month for me. I have this required training the first week of October. Then there will be a moral camp for kids from the northeast here at church the next week. There will be lots of people around for that for a while. I fly to Ranong to visit for the day on the 12th and fly back on the 13th. The camp will still be happening so I will join back in there. On the 20th I fly out to Malaysia for about a week and a half. I am looking forward to this trip because I get to see one of my best friends and her family while I'm there! I also get to see lots of other folks and spend time with many like-minded people. It will be great! And then the month of October will be over. Thus, I will not start language school then. I hope to start in November.

Currently, Sundays are my only busy day. I attend Sunday school, church services, eat lunch at the church with everyone, and then help out in a 3 hour English class. I just started that this past Sunday and let me just say that I slept extremely well that night!! I currently live at the church so at least there's not travel time to get home! Just a flight or three of stairs depending on where I'm at. Plus, I can occasionally take home leftovers from lunch if there's anything left!

Church

Leftovers from church lunch

One of my favorite places is the rooftop. From there, I am able to see all around Bangkok. Here's one of my favorite pictures:

And of course, I had to buy Lucy a new dog bed because her's wouldn't fit in my suitcase. She loves it and I've since bought her a second one so that she has one on my bed and one in the main area. Yes, my baby is a bit spoiled. Nothing new there.

And here's my journey to the BTS (sky train):

I have met tons of new people since being here and look forward to building new friendships with them. I also can't wait to learn Thai because I really want to be able to understand what others are saying rather than get the condensed interpretation. Also, it will help me as I get out more on my own to communicate my needs and of course, ORDER FOOD!!! Food, let's just be honest, is very important! If I can't read the menu and it doesn't have pictures, I'm out of luck.

I'll wrap this up with just a few fun facts about life here so far:
1. My showers are always cold because there is no water heater.
2. I have to buy water frequently because it is not clean from the faucet. But it is very cheap.
3. Every morning at 8 am I hear the Thai National Anthem playing over all loud speakers throughout the city.
4. I only use air conditioner at nights to sleep. Otherwise, I just use a fan. I have one in my room and one in the main room.
5. Cheese and other imported food items are very expensive to buy at the store. For my cheese fix, I go to the Pizza Company and buy a double cheese pizza. Also, Thai people like to put ketchup on their pizza so I have a very large supply of Heinz ketchup packets at my place because they give you so many with each pizza. I'll never have to buy ketchup!
6. There are many different vowel sounds here in Thailand so learning how to pronounce a name is not always as easy as it looks. Then add tones and oh my, will I ever learn?!
7. The Thai people I meet tend to be very friendly and helpful. For example, one lady sat behind me at church Sunday and translated the whole sermon for me. It was a great message and I'm glad she did that for me!
8. I am at a 12 hour time difference and it never fails that when I want to message someone back home, it's the middle of the night for them.

Well, my friends and family back home will be waking up in the next 4-6 hours and I will be entering into my evening time. But happy Tuesday to all of you as you wake up!

When Your Dream is Becoming Reality and it's Not all Rainbows and Sprinkles

Believe it or not, I've been writing this blog in my mind for almost two months now. Yes, it has taken that long for me to settle into a quiet space and enter into this whirlwind of crazy my life has taken on. Not crazy busy, as is usually the case. But crazy emotional roller coaster. I guess you can say that it started on that last teacher work day before summer break. I cleaned out my drawer where things had been collecting for the 12 years I had worked there. I wasn't certain that I wouldn't be coming back for the next school year, but I had reached 88% in funding so I kind of figured I wasn't. I showed my lead teacher where I had left the things that she would enjoy or continue using even once I was gone and it made her tear up. Because I really didn't have a sense of finality like I would have if I had quit my job, I hadn't really thought about that possibly being a sad thing. In some ways, I kind of felt like I'd be back so I hadn't been taking it as hard until that moment. I was like, oh crap. Things are really changing. I am most likely not coming back to my workplace of 12 years, my home away from home, and some of the best coworkers and friends a girl could have. Then again, I still had to raise 12% more within the next three months to not come back. I decided that I wouldn't say it was over until it was for sure over so I stopped thinking about it. And that worked.
Fast forward a couple of days and my funding had increased yet again. I was now at 91% and the truth that this was quite possibly my last summer in the states was starting to set in. I was blessed to get to go on a ladies' trip for a few days with my faves and it was so much fun! On our last full day there, I was giving my friends a hard time for something they had done and it was quite funny. I was really fake mean mugging them good when all of a sudden, as I looked from one face to the other, something inside of me broke. I realized that this was quite possibly the last time we would be together like that. Little did I know how true that thought actually was. That actually was the last time we were all together like that.
Whatever it was that completely broke inside of me remained broken for a few weeks. Especially as I hit the funding marker to buy my plane ticket. I was sad, I had no appetite, and I didn't understand why I wasn't more excited about finally reaching my goal. I realized later that I had entered into a time of mourning. As much as I know that I know that I know that I'm supposed to go into all the world and that my heart and passion lie in that calling, it doesn't make it any easier to leave. I finally knew that I was leaving for sure and was able to tell people. I think that I may have a few friends that wish I wouldn't leave. Maybe they (like me) know it's what I'm meant to do, but they still don't want to lose me. Guess what. I don't want to leave or lose you either! Your friendship and companionship over the years means so very much to me. It's the one thing that makes leaving the absolute hardest thing I feel like I've ever done in my life. And even though I know we'll still be friends, yada yada yada, it won't be the same. No matter what you say or how many promises or reassurances you give about staying in touch, it will never be what it was. It's the little things that make friendships so great. So when you're across the world you miss those little things. You don't get to keep up with the latest and greatest to the smallest and leastest in their lives because once you actually do get to talk around the twelve hour time difference, all you get is a tiny snapshot of the life you used to be a daily part of. Now don't take any of that the wrong way. Yes, I WANT to keep up friendships once I leave. I want to keep trying to have regular meaningful conversations with you as often as possible. I would love to hear from you daily about the little things. I would just love to hear from you in general really. I don't want to cut off all ties. Just because it will be different doesn't mean I don't want to try. Maybe I'm wrong and communication won't change that much. I sure hope I'm wrong.
Yes. I think about these things. No. They don't make leaving the country any easier. But what they do is help me prepare for and cope emotionally with the transition that's coming. I love my friends and would do absolutely anything for them. I'm the kind of person who will drop everything and come running with the slightest hint of their need. Once I leave, I will no longer be able to drop everything and run over to their place or whatever. I can no longer be that person for them. And that absolutely kills me inside. It makes me feel like I am abandoning them.
That brings me to where I am in all of this right now. Oddly enough, my self-protective nature has really diminished over the years. Where I once would pull away from and distance myself from the ones I love in an attempt to make it easier to leave, I find myself only wanting to draw closer to and enjoy my last summer with my closest friends. I want to spend as much time as possible with them face to face while I still can. I want to be a part of their daily lives and hear all of the little things I can before that's no longer an option. I want to know your thoughts, hear your rants, laugh and tease each other, know what's frustrating you and what's making you happy, to know your fears, your dreams, and your hopes. I want to be there for you as much as possible while I still can in person. Not that I won't be there for you once I'm gone, but to be physically there for you in the now. Same thing goes for family. I know I don't always get to visit or see everyone as much as I'd like, but I would love to see and spend time with you at least once more before I leave.
Ok. That wraps up the sappy, sad emotions. Now, on to other emotions. Of course, there is excitement! Oh my goodness! The goal I've worked towards achieving for the past two and a half years has finally been reached! I am now able to leave to start serving long term in Thailand!! I can't wait! But with that excitement comes a lot of other thoughts and emotions, too. Transition is hard, y'all! And I'm not even there yet! I've got to think about housing, language learning, relationship building, and the like. But that's all for once I'm there. The list of things to do before arriving is crazy! I've got to find an airline that will allow me to carry my dog on for the flight. That's not as easy as I thought it might be. There is fear that I won't be able to find one and dread that I won't be able to take her with me. I really think that with her age, she needs to be in the cabin with me to relieve stress. But I've struggled to find a flight that will even allow her in cargo. Prayers for that, please. Lucy is a huge part of my life. She is my immediate family. As hard as it would be for me to leave her behind, it would be even harder on her feeling like I had abandoned her for what could be the rest of her life. I also can't apply for my visa until I get my airline ticket so this really needs to happen asap. Then there's the scheduling of all the doctor's appointments and all the money those cost! Yikes! Also trying to figure out prescriptions and their availability and if I can get any extra before leaving to have a supply. That's even more expensive!
Other stressful things on my plate include: Sorting through my belongings, finding shipping options, and preparing for a garage sale. Preparing for my ice cream social at the church- sending invites, arranging for technology needs, updating my presentation, and more. Writing a newsletter update to get out before leaving to let people know where I'm at. Trying to raise a little more support in the way of monthly pledges. Keeping up with basic daily needs such as feeding myself, working out, grocery shopping, laundry, and more. Preparing all of the visa paperwork for me and for Lucy. Continuing to call airlines to find the right one to use for  both me and Lucy. Figuring out finances. Wanting to be with or talk to friends and family as much as possible. And more. I'm pretty sure the list could go on and on and on if I let it. But this is not about making lists. I've already got enough of those. This is to give you a small taste of all the emotions I'm experiencing through this major life transition. Excitement, fear, joy, sadness, anxiety, anger, faith, trust, exhaustion, compassion, mercy, grace, love, kindness, grief, patience, and a little helplessness from time to time. I can range in feeling just a couple of those to the whole range of them in one day. Some times those emotions cycle up and down throughout the day multiple times. Some times I'm just stuck in one set of emotions. It all depends on the day.
With all of that being said, summer is almost over. It's my plan to leave in one month. Feelings are everywhere. To-do lists are everywhere. Things can be a little chaotic within my mind and heart from time to time. But time-wise, I'm not super busy so please let me know if you'd like to hang out! Other than this weekend. I'm going out with a couple of the besties for a ladies' weekend! Just what every girl needs. Something to fill the aching need for time with loved ones. And what else do I do? I workout. I workout a lot. It has become a good outlet for emotions that I can't yet put words to. It makes me feel better most days. And it makes me feel healthier.
If you've stuck with reading this and have no idea what my dream is, good for you. About three or four years ago I started feeling like I was being called to leave the US and go into all the world. I didn't really have a specific place in mind, I just knew I was supposed to go. I started the process of moving forward with that call two and a half years ago by interviewing with a sending organization. Once I was accepted by them, I began the work of training, going on a vision trip, and raising support. Now, after two years I have enough funding to purchase my plane ticket and head to Thailand to live and serve as a volunteer for the next five years. It's felt like forever, but it's finally here. There were seasons of doubt, seasons of fear, and seasons of joy and excitement during this long journey. Now, as this journey comes to an end, the next journey of actually living the dream begins. Always a beginner. No matter what. It's so funny though. During these past two years I used to say that if someone wrote a check to cover my full term, I'd leave immediately without a blink of an eye. Now that it's here, it is not so easy to leave. Not at all. But I will keep moving and look forward to the days to come while cherishing the moments and memories of days past.

Freedom, Goodbyes, and Summer Break

Just a warning. This has the potential to be very long. But we shall see.

I'll start with freedom. The word freedom has been on my mind quite a bit in the past few months. I created this collage back in April:

Early May I learned about SoulCollage and created what I call my Freedom card:

I am one who wants to live life free and uninhibited. I want to be free to move beyond my inner trappings. I want to stop waiting for permission to outwardly show what's within. I no longer want to be restrained by my own self conscious ways, suppressing my actions and reactions whether anyone is watching or not. I want to be free. Freedom lives within me. There are many scriptures that remind me of the freedom that is within me. 2 Corinthians 3:17 says, "Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." The Spirit lives within me. Therefore, freedom does as well. John 8:36 says, "So if the Son has set you free, you will be free indeed." I need only embrace that freedom that Christ has given me. John 10:10 says that "the thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I have come that they may have life, and have it in all its fullness." How can I live into that fullness if I do not embrace the freedom He has already blessed me with? I can't. I need to free myself from my perfectionism which keeps me trapped from freely acting in the moment. I need to free myself from the negative self-talk which criticizes my every move and thought so I can move past the walls of protection I've built around me to fully experience the love of others and love for myself. One final scripture about freedom that stands out to me is found in Galatians 5:13-14. It says, "You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" This ties into my inability to love myself and receive love. If I cannot live into the freedom Christ has so blessed me with, I cannot fully and humbly love myself. If I cannot fully love myself, how does that affect my ability to love my neighbor? Questions to ponder. Got any words of wisdom in that area, feel free to share! I feel that I freely and humbly serve and love others, no problem. It's doing those things for myself that aren't always easy. I'm not saying that I hate myself. I've come a very long way in that area and have learned to love myself at times. But that remains a struggle that comes and goes. All of that to say, freedom has been a big part of my inner journey the past several months, thus, leading to this:

This is who I want to be. I want to live free. I want to be like a bird and spread my wings soaring to new heights freely living and freely loving. That being said, I also decided to add a little color to my hair last week. I've always wanted to do it. I've just allowed myself to be controlled by the expectations and judgments of others for so long that I didn't dare do anything out of the ordinary. Here's to living life free from inhibitions:

Purple highlights!

Next up, goodbyes. Never my favorite thing. I really, really don't like them. And I used to avoid them. But in a training I went to last summer, I learned the importance of saying good goodbyes. As I've continued purging belongings and furniture that I've had forever, I say goodbye. I let it go. Is it easy to say goodbye to belongings and furniture? Not always. Some may laugh and think it's silly to do such a thing. But for me, it has become necessary. It's part of my preparing to move to a new country. It's part of letting go of where I'm at now and embracing my future. Still doesn't make it any easier. But as hard as that has been, people are a trillion times harder. Friday was my last day of work before summer break started. Even though I signed my letter stating I was coming back next school year, I'm almost 99% sure that I'm not since I am 92% funded to leave for Thailand. Hopefully, I can raise the remaining 8% in two months! Since I didn't have the finality of actually quitting, the full impact of that being my last day of my 12 years of working at AMCHS didn't really hit me. I said some goodbyes, but they weren't really good goodbyes. Some people I didn't say good goodbyes to because I knew I'd be spending time with them this summer. I just couldn't bring myself to accept the finality of our relationship as coworkers. Yes, I almost cried a few times as one of them broke in accepting the finality of both me and another friend leaving, but I still haven't experienced the full brunt of that season of my life ending. The good thing is I still have time to say good goodbyes to the ones that have mattered the most to me over the course of my 12 years there. We are more than just coworkers. We are friends. Some of them even becoming best friends. We will hang out over the summer. We will continue our friendship. And I will force myself to say good goodbyes when it is time. Even if that means losing control of my emotions and crying. Just the thought of doing this makes me tear up already. Why are goodbyes so hard?! It's because these people have become your community, your friends, your rock when everything is changing, your source of joy and laughter, your support in times of need, your support in times you didn't know you needed it, your reason for not feeling alone in the world. Basically, a main character in the story of your life. You move away from that and even though you don't have to lose the relationship, the personal aspect of it has diminished. You can no longer grab your popcorn bucket and go see a movie with them. You can no longer hit the gym with them. You can no longer hug or be hugged by them. You can no longer join them for drinks when they're struggling and need you. You can no longer give them massages or get massages with them. You can no longer be present in their children's lives as they grow up. There will be a lot of no longers in my future. But at the same time, there will be a lot of new life, new friends, new places, and new experiences to have. Not that those replace the old. But there will be opportunities to do the same things with new people. And thankfully, technology has become so advanced that saying goodbye doesn't mean I won't see them until I come back again! There are numerous messenger apps that allow us to video talk no matter where we are in the world. This makes saying goodbyes a little easier. My best friends and I can still talk regularly. Granted it may not be every day and won't be in person any more, but we can still talk "face-to-face." Yes, goodbyes are hard. With goodbyes comes change. And change is never easy. It can be worth it, but it is never easy.

This sums up things pretty well. I have found my calling in life. I know where I'm supposed to be. I know my purpose. I know what I'm passionate about. In order to move towards that purpose and passion, I must say goodbye.

Last up, summer break. I'm super excited about summer break. One, because I'm super close to being able to leave for Thailand. Of course, with that excitement also comes a bit of anxiety as I have lots of things to take care of before leaving! Two, because I get to spend more time doing the things I love. Like being outside, hanging with friends any time of day, and not being limited by work hours and work exhaustion! I will have time to continue going through boxes and splitting stuff in piles for storage, garage sale, and Thailand. I will have time to figure out the visa, airline, and Lucy stuff. I can be available to video chat with a friend in another country at better hours for her. I can go on road trips and vacations. Summer break just opens the door to freedom! There's that freedom word again! I can embrace my freedom in the freedom of summer break! I'm looking forward to spending a couple of days with my friends in Fredericksburg soon. I'm also looking forward to hitting the beach with my parents for a week. I'm hoping to get another road trip planned with a couple of other friends to have one last girls' trip together before I leave the country. Lots to do so I'm sure my "freedom" will soon be busy. But the best thing is, summer allows me to have the freedom to plan these fun things to keep me busy. Life will no longer be confined to the weekends or a rare weeknight when exhaustion doesn't keep us in. I can workout at whatever time of day I want and still have time to do other things on top of that! Yes, I am so pumped about my last summer break here in Texas with my closest friends and family!

That about sums up life right now. Freedom, goodbyes, and summer break. All things that consume my mind, break my heart, and push me to live and love more freely and abundantly. I warned you it could be long. I'm surprised it's as short as it is, though. Blessings on all of you! May you embrace freedom today and forevermore!

Also, one more thing!! Just 4 more days to buy an awesome t-shirt to support and help me get to Thailand!! Click here!!! Three colors available: gray, maroon, and navy.

Keeping Busy

I've been staying pretty busy the past few weeks. Any spare time I have has been used on packing and moving boxes. I have found a place to live for now and plan to move in May 1st. That means I have 5 more days to get the rest of my stuff out of my old place. That won't be a problem. I'm already super close to being done. Just a few large things left in the room and a few boxes in the garage. Of course, I've only moved all of my stuff to the the garage of the home I'm house and pet sitting for, but luckily the new place is about 5 minutes down the road. I will work on getting everything from this garage to the new place this weekend. Today, I was at the old place packing up a few boxes and loading them in the car when Clark came into my room and started talking to me. He was telling me about how he was going to move into my room and then began asking me questions about all that I was doing. I never mind his questions. I just continue working while answering his questions and explaining things to him. He then says, "Miss Cheryl, I don't want you to leave. I want you to stay here." Awww. Warmed and saddened my heart at the same time. I will miss him and his sister!
Moving on, I spent most of last week preparing to lead a day of prayer for college students with two others. I was leading two creative ways to pray through collage and mandalas. In order to cut down on time needed for collage, I spent a lot of time cutting out many images and words from magazines beforehand. This took a lot more time than I thought it would so it was basically what I spent several evenings doing. I had to delay packing for a few days in order to get things done for the day of prayer. Saturday was the day we led this day of prayer and I enjoyed it. I think the students who came also enjoyed it. I believe we had 10 to 12 people come throughout the day and they really seemed to enjoy and appreciate it. I was glad we got to do it and that it all went well.
I've been house and pet sitting for one friend for the past week and will continue for this week, too. I spent Friday night babysitting two fun little girls. I also was feeding the two cats at the home I will be moving to for four days. Wow, lots of different "sitting" jobs last weekend! Thank goodness they've all been easy jobs! I went to the Bengal Belles spring show to support my friend and assistant director of the team. As a bonus I got to see the two little girls I babysat the night before and some of my high school students I work with dance! Those were my favorite parts! Well, those and the Bengal Belle Dad/Daughter dance. That's always fun to watch.
Sunday was a super early morning. I got up at 4am to get ready for the Messina Hof 5K. We arrived around 5:45 or so and it was sooooooooo cold!!!! We were freezing and had to wait until 7:30 to run. It seemed like it just got colder as the sun came up! Finally, the 5K began and I ran well for a bit, probably about 2 miles. Then we hit the vines that we had to weave in and out of for the last bit. I must have gotten a little overheated and dehydrated because huge goosebumps came up all over my arms so I was forced to walk through the last two vine trails. As we came out of the vines I started running again and ran until we crossed the finished line. I finished in 39 minutes which I feel is quite an accomplishment since I didn't even try to prepare for running in any way beforehand! Jennifer and I enjoyed a little rest before heading back to the finish line to wait on our friend Shannon to finish the half marathon. I will never do that. Just over half way through 5ks I always start wondering why people do these for fun! After we finished up with brunch, wine, pictures, and mini massages/adjustments we headed out to Target and a late lunch. I got home and caught a super short nap before heading out to my home team meeting. As always, we had a great meeting, talked about some good stuff, and came up with some ideas. I have a wonderful team that is always trying to figure out new ways to help support me!
This brings me full circle. I will spend the rest of this week packing and moving my stuff to the new place after getting off work each evening. Next week will be spent trying to settle into the new place a bit before leaving on my last spiritual direction training retreat. It will for sure be a much needed break and time of rest. I look forward to this last weekend spent with my classmates before we graduate from the program in June.
And for your viewing pleasure, here are some pictures from my week, but mostly my 5K.

Dog sitting Charlotte

Hosanna in the highest!

Palm Sunday almost always ends up being somewhat emotional for me. I am reminded of how the people praised Jesus shouting Hosanna, Hosanna! Blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord! Such a celebratory greeting and acceptance of Jesus! But I am also reminded of how not even a week later those shouts of praise turn into shouts of condemnation, shouts to crucify the very one they were praising at the beginning of the week. It breaks my heart to think of anyone facing that much hate, anger, and mistreatment by the very people who once "loved" them. I often think of how I would have reacted had I been alive at that time. Everyone always says that if we had been alive then we would have joined the mob and shouted the same hateful words right along with them. But I honestly don't know that my heart could do that. I hate to see anyone suffering. Whether I like them or not. It breaks my heart. I don't want to see anyone hurt that badly. And if I have connected with them on any emotional or spiritual level it would hurt all the more. My empathy doesn't allow me to have that much extreme hate. Some say even if you don't yell it right along with the mob, your silence or lack of action is the same thing. Maybe that is true in some ways, but I think my tear-stained face would speak for itself. And I would hope my broken heart would lead me to speak truth into those I may be with. It may not make a huge difference within the mass shouts of hate, but even to reach one person makes a huge difference in their life. Now, the challenge is carrying this message with me every day no matter what day it is. May I continue to press on loving and encouraging others, being compassionate, sharing Christ's love, and making a difference one life at a time.

In other news, many praises to God for His constant provision in my life. I spoke to a need for new temporary housing here until I leave for Thailand and I had several offers! Some of which were even free! I have chosen one of the options and am excited for this new placement. May I be an encouragement and blessing to the woman I will be living with and vice versa. God is in all things no matter how hard they seem at first.

Uncertainty is the Most Stressful Feeling

Life is still moving on ahead, slowly at times, but mostly seems like at the speed of light. I'm happy, I have some amazing friends, I have a job that's not too bad and I love my coworkers, and I have a support team that's always looking to help me move forward. My sweet Lucy is always here keeping me company and giving me love. My friends encourage me to get out of the house by getting me to work out with them as well as go to the movies or eat out with them, so I'm not stuck at home all the time or doing everything alone. It's been fun! I'm learning lots of great things in my spiritual direction class and am open to more and more growth. Honestly, my life is pretty good overall. There are some trying times in life, but I work through those times and continue moving forward. The following talks about some of those trying times, how they affect me, and how I get through them. They in no way define my life as a whole. Reading the article I talk about after this helped me evaluate some unknown feelings and name some stuff I hadn't realized I feel at times. So it's been great! I'm learning and growing all the time!
The other day I read an article about waiting. It brought up a point I had never thought of before. Why is waiting so hard? It said that waiting was hard because after a while, we begin to believe that we've been forgotten. Have you ever felt like you've been forgotten? It got me to thinking about how waiting makes me feel and if I really do feel forgotten sometimes. The answer is yes. I do feel forgotten sometimes.
Sometimes I feel forgotten by God. I know it's not true, but it doesn't stop me from feeling that way from time to time. The truth is that He sees me and cares for me and loves me more than I can even understand. John 8:32 says that the truth will set you free. I must acknowledge my feelings, but I must also acknowledge God's truths and continue moving forward knowing I am known and loved.
Sometimes I feel forgotten by my church. In a large church it is easy to get lost in the masses, so to speak. Most of the time I feel loved and known by my church in some way. But occasionally I feel small, insignificant, and lost.Those feelings can cause confusion, hopelessness, and anger at times.
On occasion, I may even feel forgotten by those I plan to join in Thailand. Not that I am in any way, but "out of sight, out of mind" plays through my mind at times. Whenever those feelings come on thought, I am inevitably contacted by someone in Thailand just checking in! It's amazing. Not only am I not forgotten by those in Thailand, but it proves I'm not forgotten by God because He provides for my every need.
I think one of the saddest times is when I feel forgotten by family and friends. No, I don't believe any of my family or friends have really forgotten me. More often than not, it's just my loneliness or sadness that has made me feel separated from them and not any actions of theirs. Again, I know I am loved. I know I have people on my side. I feel their support all the time. But in the waiting, it's easy to feel forgotten. I had just never realized that before reading the article.
Another thing it mentioned was how waiting feels like self-consumption. I had to think for a moment on just what self-consumption means. I know that consumption means to use up or destroy something or to decay. Does that mean that in the waiting, I am slowly using up or destroying myself bit by bit? I guess in a way, it does if I let it. I guess at times it seems like I am slowly whittling away to nothing while I wait. Filled with questions, doubts, and feelings of inadequacy, those things gnaw at me slowly eating me up inside. I'm not saying this is an all the time thing. It isn't. And it's not permanent. I work through it and move on. It's just new to have words to describe it.

These phases come and go. I must always refocus on God. God has a plan and a purpose for my life. All things in His timing. In waiting for His timing I have to ask myself, "What am I missing? What is His plan in the waiting, the in-between?" I sometimes try to make answering those questions very complicated, but it's not. Seasons of waiting strengthen my faith and courage to move forward! When I take time to respond to those questions, I see great things I could have missed out on had I not been waiting on God's timing!
I have developed some deeper friendships with others, old and new! Had I not been here this school year, I would have missed out on the deep, meaningful friendships I have developed with some of my coworkers. Some of them are new, but deepening those with two I've known before has been amazing! These friends have served as a huge encouragement and inspiration to me this year.
Having a delayed departure for Thailand has allowed me to be more intentional about spending time with my family. I've enjoyed getting to catch a nephew's basketball game during a visit and watch my niece in a parade! Visiting my parents more regularly has allowed for some great quality time.
Obviously, there has been a growth in my faith. Faith has always been important and vital to my life. The waiting has increased that faith by leaps and bounds for sure! It has given me the opportunity to complete my spiritual direction course which I might not have been able to do if I'd already left the country. In developing a deeper faith, I've also become more confident. Not a self-centered confidence, but a God-confidence. I've also become less self-reliant. All of these things will be very beneficial to me in my life and work in Thailand.
One of the last things I've realized is that I am actually an inspiration to others. I don't say that in a pompous or prideful way. In fact, it's more of an answer to prayer. I've always felt like God wanted to use me to inspire others for the better. In others telling me that I've inspired them, or that I'm an inspiration, I know that God is using me even in the waiting. My decision to step out of my known and into a whole new way of life serving those in other countries has apparently had a positive affect on others. Apparently, even in the waiting, my life and decision to serve testifies to God's call on it which encourages and inspires others to some form of action.

All of that to say I definitely go through periods of great stress. Currently, I am in one of those periods. Do you know how I know? There are quite a few things that I've noticed lately that point to being stressed. Number one is probably sleepless nights. I can't sleep well. I've switched prescriptions for sleeping meds and still can't sleep. I'm working out more frequently and I still can't sleep. It's quite tiring. Literally. Another thing is list writing. Apparently, when I'm stressed and have a lot on my mind I make a lot of lists. Lists about what needs to be done, lists about finances, lists of questions to ask about moving to Thailand, lists of phone numbers and email addresses, lists of ideas, and even lists of different workout schedules. I find myself writing lists or mentally making lists almost daily. Another one is all of those aforementioned feelings from the beginning come up to bite me in the butt! I become a little more sarcastic, less cheerful, and a little more snarky. I don't like that version of me very much, but when stress is building that's what comes out. The funny thing about this whole blog is that it's pretty much a list, too. Ha.
Yes, I am stressed. I have a lot going on right now and the waiting is less sitting still and more moving full speed ahead without catching a breath. I recently found out that my grandma has cancer which has caused a great sadness within me. I have prayer day lessons and handouts to plan and type as well as listening logs to type up for my last official spiritual direction class next weekend. I'm trying to practice my Thai studies on a regular basis. I'm always thinking about and looking for opportunities to raise support for getting to Thailand. I need to find temporary housing for the next 5-6 months before leaving for Thailand. I'm packing and going through stuff in my room to downsize and get ready for Thailand. I mean, the list could go on and on because it does in my head. It's no wonder I can't sleep.

But in all of this, I must remind myself that God has a plan. Louie Giglio says that God's plans for our life far exceed the circumstances of our day. How very true! Ephesians 3:20 says, "Now to Him who is able to do infinitely more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us." In spite of all my failings, my doubts, my disappointments, and cynicism God loves me and continues to work in my life and do great things. I can persevere because my hope is in Him alone. Nothing else will do.

I cannot depend on my own understanding or wisdom. Only what God reveals to me. I must continue to put Him first in all things and everything else will eventually fall into place. I will continue to have courage and be kind. Kindness and compassion are at the core of who I am so I will choose to live life out of that and work on releasing the negativity that makes its way into my mind so easily in trying times.

Silence is Golden

This past Monday-Wednesday I got to attend a silent retreat. It was so great to get away from everything that keeps me so busy here at home. I spent time crafting, sitting in silence, sitting by the lake, taking long walks while thinking, processing, and praying, and even stretching each day. I got some sad news as I drove to the retreat so the peace and quiet of those days really helped me to process the news. It was a nice time to get away. Last week was spring break so with this retreat being right after that, I got a whole week and a half off from work! It was a much needed break. I forget just how tiring my job can be some times until I take off and others fill in for me and express how tiring it is. Spring break was a great week. I joined a gym and also took advantage of a free week of yoga classes. I did anywhere from 2-4 workout classes per day for the most part! It was great! The yoga classes helped me learn some stretches I can use on a regular basis to loosen up my hips, legs, and feet. I also went to visit my mom and took her out to see The Shack for her birthday. We ate popcorn and drank soda during the movie and then I treated her to a late lunch of crawfish. I still think there's no one else out there that can do crawfish as good as the Couch family! We had a great afternoon and even picked up some of Bluebell's new flavor ice cream cone to have for dinner with my pops! It was a great day hanging with my parents and I'm glad I had the break to go do that.
In other news, I mailed and emailed out my latest newsletter about my journey to Thailand. If you're not receiving them by mail or email, send me your info and I'll add you to the list. If you think I should already have your email address, check your spam or promotions folder. In gmail, it typically ends up in my promotions folder. Try adding my email address to your contact list to see if that helps. Anyway, I am more than willing to forward it on to you if you're interested. It includes articles on meeting the bishop and Lucy. It also has a new Thai word of the month! I'm currently about 72% funded so I'm getting super close to being able to set a departure date!! Please consider helping me close that gap to get me to Thailand! Whether you want to pledge $10 a month or $200 a month, all gifts make a difference! I would really love to leave for Thailand this summer. My team eagerly awaits my arrival so I can jump in and get to work learning the language and serving! Speaking of learning the language, I'm continuing on with my Thai lessons. This week we learned colors and numbers. I already remember 4 colors well! I have a lot of practicing to do, though. After having spring break off from lessons, I really struggled remembering some of the last words learned. If you're ever interested in going through flashcards with me, let me know! It's always more fun to learn with a friend!!
April is right around the corner. Hard to believe March has come and is almost gone. With April also comes my very last Spiritual Direction class. This has been a three year class so it's crazy to think that the last class is in just two weeks! Our assignment for this next class is to plan and present a prayer day to our class. I'm working with two other classmates to plan a day. Unfortunately, we won't get to hold it before class, but thankfully that's not a requirement. Guess I'll need to organize my thoughts  a bit more and get it all down on paper soon! April may be our last class day, but we also have a closing retreat in May and a graduation ceremony in June. I'm looking forward to graduating, and I've been so blessed to learn and practice spiritual direction. I think these skills will help me so much in serving others in Thailand!
I guess that about wraps up everything for now. I can say that I've been working on my goals I set for this season of Lent. Giving up playing all games on my phone has been a bit challenging and I kind of miss them in those times when I'm just killing time waiting, but it has definitely served its purpose well. I have become more aware of what's going on around and within me and have been able to process things a bit more readily. The other inward challenges have proven to be challenges, but my statements about each of them play through my mind whenever I realize one of them has crept in. Gossip, negativity, fear of failure, comparing myself to others, and doubt have a nasty way of sneaking in. But to continue working on being aware of those things, it's easier to shut them down before they have time to take root!
Lastly, here are a few pictures from my spring break and silent retreat. Enjoy!

Pinot's Palette with Randi

Daily walks with Lucy on spring break!

Finger labyrinth I made at the Silent Retreat

Ash Wednesday

Today is Ash Wednesday which marks the first day of Lent. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Lent, here is a brief description. It is a time (40 days) when many Christians prepare for Easter by observing a period of fasting, repentance, moderation, and spiritual discipline. You may hear lots of people talking about what they're giving up for the next 40 days. These things range from items like chocolate, sodas, and desserts to things like social media, shopping, and even complaining.
Personally, I never knew what Ash Wednesday was because it wasn't something my church did when I was growing up. Only in the past five years or so have I really begun to focus on the true meaning of Lent and what it's purpose is. As with each year, I've spent some time reflecting on my life. Where I'm at, where I want to be, and what things work against that. I came across an article on Facebook that really made me take a deeper look within. It was good for me to do this and I think this intentional season of fasting will be a good reminder to constantly work on and be aware of the following issues.
This year for Lent, the inward things I have decided to give up are gossip and negativity, fear of failure, comparison, and doubt. For gossip and negativity, I will work at being careful with the words I let come out of my mouth and work to build people up rather than tear them down. For fear of failure, I will choose to remember to keep pressing on knowing that we don't succeed without failures. For comparison, I will remember that I am the only me and have unique contributions that only I can offer to the world around me. For doubt, I will choose to remember scriptures saying that God's plan for me is far greater than I could ever imagine and that my future is far brighter than I can ever realize. The outside thing I've decided to give up is time wasted on playing multiple types of games on my phone. I think that every time I have a slow moment and go to pick up my phone to play a game, I will stop and think about the inward things I'm giving up. Not playing the games will allow me to build an awareness to the inward wars going on inside of me and wage war against them. I want to focus on being a healthier person both on the inside and outside so I will continue to work out as well as spend time journaling and praying about the inward stuff.
I think this is a good goal for Lent. It will be challenging, but very rewarding! It will definitely help me draw closer to Jesus and really live life more intentionally. In all I do, I want to bring glory to God. Living life more intentionally and giving up time fillers to seek Christ in the midst of inner turmoil will help me establish an even more firm identity in Christ. In all that I do, I want to seek Him first. Help hold me accountable, friends! Keep it real!

Catching Up

Well, it's been a while since I last blogged. A few months already! Man, how time flies! Once Halloween comes, it's like November and December fly right by bringing us into the new year! I had a great Thanksgiving and Christmas break. I was able to spend lots of time with my family on both occasions. I loved picking out presents for everyone for Christmas and enjoyed seeing them open the gifts I had spent so much time choosing for them. I got some pretty cool gifts, too. Got some flashcards and books to help me with learning Thai and I've been putting them to good use. I've continued with Thai lessons once a week and continue to learn new things each week. I stay pretty busy and on the go these days, but it's all good stuff. I've made time to be with friends which is very good for my soul. I try to make time to relax each day so as not to get overwhelmed with all the things I could be working on. I recently signed up for Netflix which has been a great reward to relax with once I've accomplished some things on my to-do list. I guess I should also mention that I just turned another year older. It's strange being this old. I don't feel like I'm that old and I feel like I live life like I'm not that old, but I am. Turning another year older always makes me think about how I've lived my life and if I've really lived it or not. Some times I think back on those days when I was younger and had this picture of what life would be like when I got older and I realize that my life looks nothing like I thought it "should" be. It makes me wonder some times if I'm really still waiting for life to begin. I know that's not true. I guess you can say I've been waiting on the "big" things to come, but they haven't. That can make me sad some times, but then other times that just reminds me that I've found peace in living life to the fullest in the small things. Sure, others looking in at my life and my accomplishments from the outside may think that I've done nothing with it, but I know the truth. And I see my life lived out in so many ways where the "small" things are what made the biggest difference. So here's to another year! May it be a BIG year while living out each moment to the fullest and loving extravagantly! With this new year, I've also started working out a little. I've been joining a friend three mornings a week for 40 minute workouts. I think it's helping me sleep better and I am enjoying it even though it can be super hard on me some times. Joining a friend really forces me to get up early those mornings to show up so that's been very helpful.
I know that was a very brief overview of almost three months, but could you imagine if I shared about every little thing? That would be TOO long! Anyway, mostly I've been trying to connect with others the past few months. I have a bad tendency to withdraw when I get busy or overwhelmed so I've made a real effort at trying to connect with others and do life with them. Relationships are important and life is too hard to do alone! With that being said, thank you friends for being you and loving me! You are awesome!

Now for a brief update on my journey to serve in Thailand. I've just recently passed the 60% marker which is super exciting. Still a ways to go, but so much closer than I was! I've been blessed with the opportunity to speak in three different Sunday School classes and I've really enjoyed that. It's allowed me to meet lots of new people and share my story. Yes, I'm still trying to raise support. I must be at at least 95% before I can make solid departure plans for Thailand. And let me tell you, I CANNOT wait to get there! I get so excited to hear about what God is doing in the hearts of those in Thailand and just want to be there already so I can be a part of it all! Plus, I know those in Thailand are patiently awaiting my arrival as well. If you are interested in supporting my service in Thailand, please let me know. Or visit tms-global.org/give and under give to a missionary enter the amount and my account #3071. Every little bit helps! Even if it's as little as $10 a month. Thanks!