Coat of Many Colors

The Lord knows and meets my every need. A few weeks ago I blogged about my struggle to receive and really feel love. Thursday I arrived at Lakeview for my last opening retreat of the Charis 3 year Spiritual Direction program. This starts my final year in the program. It was great to be reunited with my class after our summer break. That night we were each presented with a prayer shawl that was made and prayed over specifically for each of us. There were many beautiful shawls laid out on the table, but one caught my eye and I was drawn to it as we worshiped together before receiving them. We came to the time in worship when they would be passed out and I waited to see which one I would be blessed with. The one I had connected with earlier was picked up and she called my name as she walked over and placed it in my lap. It was mine! It was a shawl of many colors and I was instantly reminded of my favorite Old Testament character Joseph and his coat of many colors. Joseph's dad made him this coat because of his great love for him and because he was good, faithful, and thoughtful. This coat of many colors was a sign of Jacob's favor to Joseph. I started  this post saying the Lord knows and meets my every need. Sometimes He meets my needs simply through my feeling and experiencing His presence within me. And sometimes He meets my needs in very tangible ways. This prayer shawl is a very tangible way that He is showing me how loved I am. Just as Jacob made the coat of many colors for Joseph because of his great love for him, God placed a vision for this particular shawl in someone's mind to reveal His great love for me. I am loved and favored by God. I will treasure my "coat of many colors" and be forever reminded of God's tangible proof that I am loved. As I wrap it around my shoulders, I will remember that I am wrapped in His great love for me. We are all wrapped in His great love for us with or without a "coat of many colors." But having one certainly doesn't hurt!

Isn't it lovely?

The Struggle is Real

Tomorrow starts the 2016-2017 school year. I start this year with a lot of mixed feelings. First of all, I went through the majority of last year thinking it would be my last year. I've worked through that... or maybe I had. But maybe actually starting back now is a new form of the past let down that I need to work through again. Second of all, I've always worked, for the most part, in the classroom and have been lucky enough to spend some great quality time with my coworkers. I was blessed with having a great community of coworkers that I loved and got to spend time with while working with our students. This year is completely different. I've shifted into a new position along with my other previous coworkers. One is in a different classroom, one moved to another district, and I'm still working with the other but our new positions will have us out and about all the time so we may rarely see each other. To be honest, I think that is what makes me the most sad. I will miss that daily time in community. But there's also the anxiety that goes with starting something new as well. I will be traveling to different classes each period assisting students in general ed classes. I have to learn how to work with new students and with several new teachers as I go from class to class. I don't really know what to expect, how the teachers will react to me being in their classes, or what the expectations will be of me in each different class. I've been trying to be pretty positive about it for the most part, but all of these truths hit me full force on Friday and I've realized just how much all of these things are affecting me. Prayers for the start of the school year. For the students coming back. For the teachers and staff that will be working with those students. And for an overwhelming sense of peace throughout the school building as we get into a rhythm and build new relationships. And for peace in my soul.

I would also appreciate prayers as I evaluate my spare time and see just what opportunities to help and serve I can be involved in. My heart wants to say yes to everybody, but my body knows its limits and that I can't. It's very hard for me to say no to others and it seems like I have a lot of great opportunities vying for my time. My greatest desire is to focus on my support raising to get to Thailand and that requires my availability. I need to be available to schedule meetings with friends and possible supporters. I also need to continue my Thai lessons once a week. I also have a phone meeting once a week. On top of that, I'm trying to purge and pack so I can move to another house. My temporary housing has turned into a year now so I think I should probably follow through with the plan to move in with others now that their house is complete. Also, if you've ever worked for a school, you know how exhausting the first week is! I will be battling some major exhaustion this week while trying to be productive. Just being at staff development all last week with NO students left me so tired I had to take an hour nap once home the whole last half of the week! Prayers for discernment as I evaluate time, goals to accomplish, self needs, and my desire to serve. May God reveal to me what I can and can't do so that I do not take on more than I can handle.

Yes, this post probably seems like a lot of stress, but it's where I'm at and what I'm working through. I like to be as honest as possible so you can know my heart a little better. It is a busy month for me, for sure. Lots to do, lots to figure out, and lots of new. That being said, there are always positives! My Lucy is doing much better after being in pain for several days! I have a roof over my head, a car to get to and from, and a job to support me and all of my needs. I cleaned out my closet and got rid of a lot of clothes and shoes. I even made some extra cash selling some of the shoes. I had some great lunches with my coworkers last week and got to spend some quality time with them before school started. I got to share my story of serving in Thailand with a Sunday school class today and it was a lot of fun! My good friend, Charli introduced me and I just relaxed and had fun sharing bits and pieces of my story. Prayers for continued support raising are appreciated and if you would like to hear more, please let me know!

How He Loves

What does it mean to you to be loved by God? What feelings does God's love bring up within you? Have you ever doubted God's love for you? I know I have. Today's sermon was about how God's love changes everything. And it does. I've felt it deep in my bones and deep in my heart. It's a transforming love that brings healing throughout your mind, body, and soul. But just because you've believed it or experienced it in the past doesn't automatically mean you continue feeling it. Maybe it's an identity issue. Maybe you don't fully see or trust who you are in Christ. Whatever it is, when it happens, it sucks. I've struggled for many years of my life believing that I am worthy of God's love. That I am worthy of others' love. Maybe that's why I grew up a people-pleaser. Maybe I felt like I had to earn approval, to earn their love. Any way you look at it, you can't earn God's love. It's already yours. It is a free gift given to you through the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross. You are loved by God. Deeply loved. Like through and through loved. Nothing you ever do can take away that love. It's there whether you're open to feeling it or not.

A while back, I got this tattoo. It says love. I experienced the love of God like never before when I went on my Walk to Emmaus retreat. I came to experience God's love and the love of others to the full. The Emmaus retreat paired with God pursuing my heart after I had reached a low broke me wide open and I was emptied before the Lord. David Crowder's song "How He Loves" was played on the radio, in worship, and many other random places I'd find myself.  It seemed I couldn't get away from the message of God's love. I came to know beyond a doubt that I was loved. I wanted a constant reminder of that love so whenever I caught myself doubting it, I could remember. That's why I got the tattoo. I've always known in my mind that I am loved. My heart, on the other hand, doesn't always believe it. During today's sermon, I realized that I hadn't been experiencing God's love to the full. I was having a hard time accepting love from others and loving myself. Maybe it's because so much in my life is up in the air right now. Maybe it's because I feel like I've failed in some ways. All I know is that today, I found myself questioning that love again. In realizing that, I've had to take time to remind myself of my identity in Christ. I am not defined by my feelings. I am not defined by my successes or failures. Colossians 3:12 says, "I am chosen of God, holy and dearly loved." In Christ I am significant, accepted, and secure. 2 Timothy says I have been given a spirit of power, love, and self-discipline and 2 Peter says that I have been given exceedingly great and precious promises by God by which I am a partaker of God's divine nature. It is imperative to our growth and maturity that we believe God's truth about who we are. If you find yourself doubting God's love, I highly suggest spending time in His word seeking His truths about who you are in Christ. Or just google it. There are some super quick resources that will come up. Spend some time going over those truths and start claiming them for yourself. Don't live your life believing the lies that you are alone and unloved. You are loved. I am loved. We are ALL loved by God!
Remember, the more deeply we love, and the more fully we love, the more we reflect the glory of God to others. Love is imperative. It is the most powerful force in the world. Let us all love and be loved in return.

Don't let the world define who you are.

In God's eyes we are all worthy of love.