Prayer and Transitions

It's been a very slow couple of weeks since my last blog. I can't believe that May is already almost over. Other than trying to make it through the last month of work before summer, I have spent a lot of time either in my head lost in thought or talking it out with God. I've been feeling a bit stuck and have struggled to see ways to move forward. Thankfully, God is always there to talk things through with. Prayer is such a huge blessing. I don't know what I'd do without it. I can take every fear and fret, every hope and dream, and turn it into a prayer. Prayer is there for my strength and sustenance. And when my brain feels too foggy, that's okay. He knows. I can let His Spirit and the prayers of His people intercede for me.

Romans 8:26 is one of my favorite verses! To know that when I have no words to pray, the Holy Spirit is interceding on my behalf is a great comfort to me. I am in a time of transition. Transition=Transformation (even when it just feels like chaos). Through every single transition I've gone through, God has done a major work in my heart. He's peeled back a layer of my soul and revealed truths about Himself and myself. Those truths are my treasures, the pearls of transformation in my life. Knowing that I am in transition, I remain open to new truths revealed about God and myself. It's not easy and it feels like chaos a lot of the time, but I'm learning to let go of the chaos, set aside my to-do list, and connect with God. Instead of getting lost in the chaos, I must stop and connect. My connectedness to God matters far more than my to-do list. My connectedness to those I love matters far more than my to-do list. Things will eventually come together. I will make it to Thailand one day. It may not be when I want it to happen, but that doesn't matter. I must connect to God and others. I must be intentional in seeking that connectedness and be aware of the opportunities to connect as they present themselves to me. I think that genuine spirituality is always on some level or in some way about letting go. I don't often have expectations. I prefer to live without to minimize disappointment and enjoy things as they are. Unfortunately for me, setting a goal for a launch date was like setting a BIG expectation. I have had to let go of that expectation and place it in God's hands. Letting go frees up a great amount of soul-energy that liberates a level of life I didn't know existed. Now, if I can just leave it in God's hands instead of constantly snatching it back and feeling the disappointment all over again!

In other news, I continue to learn and practice the Thai alphabet! I've learned many consonants and some vowels! One of the craziest things about the Thai alphabet to me is that there can be up to 3 or 4 different letters which make the SAME sound!! Can you imagine trying to pass a spelling test in Thai? I will just have to know which letter goes to which words!! I am very thankful for the friend who is teaching me and being patient with me in this learning process!

Also, Monday starts the last week of the school year and then I'm on summer break!! Woohoo!!! I will be heading to Arlington for the Special Olympics Track and Field State meet on Thursday. That's a four day trip with some of our high school athletes. It's usually a blast and I'm looking forward to it! Especially since it will probably be the last year I get to go.

Wrapping things up, the thing I'm looking forward to most this summer is my MTI training in Colorado Springs in July! That's four weeks of intense training to help equip and develop cross-cultural messengers of the gospel! I hope to make lots of new friends, learn TONS, and enjoy the cooler weather and nature of Colorado! What are you looking forward to most this summer?

In Christ alone, my hope is found.

Catching up from my last post, there's lots to say. I went on my Charis retreat two weekends ago where I had two presentations to do. The first night I shared about my journey to Thailand and that went well. I loved getting to share my story with my Charis friends! The second night I presented my spiritual mentor project. Yes, THE project that I was having so much trouble getting done. I finished it the night before leaving on retreat and it went great!
Here is the altar from my retreat:

The day after coming back from retreat, I left early in the morning and drove to Georgia. Yes, I drove it all in one day. I stayed at a friend's house and it was wonderful. I got to visit the TMS office and spend some time with friends there catching up and just chatting. I also got to go hiking a couple of days with the friend I was staying with! That was amazing. I love spending time outdoors and just soaking up nature! The last night I was there, the main reason I drove to Georgia, I got to have dinner with the Thai couple I will work with in Thailand! It was so awesome seeing them again. Email is so non-personal and just harder to communicate through. Face time is perfect! I got to ask some questions and just enjoy having face to face conversation. So great.

I hit the road early Thursday morning and drove just under 4 hours to Tennessee to visit some friends. I only got to visit with them for about an hour and a half because I had to get back on the road to drive home, but it was so great seeing them again! I enjoyed the visit and getting to meet their little one! After leaving Tennessee I drove all of the way back to Texas, home sweet home. Yes, it was a VERY long drive, but I made it back in one piece at around 2 am and immediately crashed in my bed to wake up a few hours later for work. Saturday, I caught a ride with some friends to see other friends in Dallas (three hours away) and to celebrate their kids' birthdays! It was great not to have to drive there after all of my previous driving. I got home late from Dallas, went straight to bed, and then woke up to drive two hours to visit my parents for mother's day. It was a great trip. Got to hear my dad preach, see some old friends, and treat my parents to the movie Mother's Day in honor of mother's day! It was a great movie, in case you were wondering.

And now, you are all caught up. So how am I doing? I'd say the travel break was amazing and I loved it. It was definitely a breath of fresh air, quite literally. But there are other things going on within me that are not so much a breath of fresh air, but somewhat suffocating. Have you ever struggled with self-worth? I have. Through a majority of my childhood and early adult years, my self-worth was kind of low to non-existent. I've improved leaps and bounds from what it used to be, but every now and then low self-worth rears it's ugly head. I catch myself beating myself up for silly mistakes. I struggle to take a compliment or believe that it is true. My confidence falters. Even though outwardly I've maintained a pretty happy and excited posture, inwardly my feelings of self-worth ebb and flow. For example: the quote I mentioned in a previous blog "Oh God, help me to believe the truth about myself no matter how beautiful it is" was a real eye opener to me that I was struggling. It struck a nerve within me because I couldn't see the beauty within. I couldn't believe there was beauty within. Because of struggling with self-worth, I've felt like a failure, like I'm not worthy. It's come and gone for the past month. Sometimes it's strong and sometimes I'm genuinely fine. Today was a low, though. Today I had to sign and turn in paperwork saying that I would be back to work next year. You may be wondering why that's a big deal. See, because I plan to move to Thailand to serve, I was really hoping that I could quit at the end of this school year and be ready to go in September. Unfortunately, my funds are not where they need to be for me to even consider quitting my job right now. And because of that, those feelings of inadequacy, of failure, and feeling unworthy threatened to take over. I was filled with a deep sadness. Even though I knew beforehand that my funds weren't where they needed to be, turning in that paperwork to keep my job was a very tangible proof that I'm not where I'd hoped I'd be. I struggled with this sadness all day. Then, I came across a verse in Romans which really kind of lifted my spirits.

Although I am still sad, I am reminded of God's great love for me even in my darkest moments. When I don't feel worthy of love or anything else, God still loves me! How incredible is that?! God still loves me! In Him, I find my worth. I am deeply loved whether I'm feeling wonderful and care-free or down in the dumps and like a failure. So why hold on to those fleeting feelings? I will cling to the love of Christ and find my worth, my identity in Him alone!