Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live. -DorothyThompson

This is a collection of thoughts and hopefully I can bring them all together in an understandable way. The cross has been on my mind over the past few weeks because of Easter and because I saw the movies Risen and The Young Messiah. Side note: watching The Young Messiah portray Jesus as a compassionate seven year old one day and then seeing the opening scene of Risen which shows Jesus dead on the cross the next day was unbelievably heart wrenching! It's always hard for me to see movies portray the crucifixion, but this time all I could see was seven year old Jesus hanging on that cross dead! Instant water works for sure! Gave me a much better idea of how it must have felt for Mary seeing her son crucified. Ok, back to my original thoughts. I read a quote from a book last week that really made me stop and think. It said, "The wonder of the love of Christ for His people is not that for their sake He faced death without fear, but that for their sake He faced it terrified." (The Person of Christ by Donald Macleod) Then the following thought on this quote struck me hard. Jesus' fear does not exist so that I might have a companion in my angst, but so that I would never have to fear again. Wow. Fear is such a powerful thing! Do you know that for the majority of my life I let fear control me? All kinds of fear. Fear to sleep, fear to be me, fear to speak up, fear to lead... you name it, I struggled with it. Fear of failure was probably the worst. Fear of failure completely paralyzed me for years. I would not try things for fear that I would fail, make a fool of myself, look stupid, or hate myself for not being successful. Fear of failure kept me from living life to the full. Why did I let it? It was my way of life. It took years for me to realize what was going on. I love the picture I shared at the top. Sometimes the fear of failure steals the beauty we were meant to create. Well, crap. How much beauty have I missed the opportunity to create just because I was scared I couldn't be perfect?! No more! Thank you God for removing my fear! Yes, I still struggle with fear from time to time. But it's no longer crippling. And it's much easier for me to move beyond it. Good thing, too! Otherwise, I would have never ventured out on this new journey to leave behind home and move to a far away country to serve long term! Genesis 12:1 says, "The Lord said to Abram, 'Leave your native country, your relatives, and your father's family, and go to the land that I will show you.'" God has been trying to lead me to a place of greater service and usefulness for Him for a long time. Abram's decision was between setting out for parts unknown or staying right where he was. He had to decide between the security of what he already had and the uncertainty of traveling under God's direction. I, too, had the same decision to make. Had fear still completely controlled me, I wouldn't be where I am today. Yes, each step I took on this journey terrified me at times. Putting myself out there to be interviewed by The Mission Society was completely nerve wracking! Would I be accepted? Or would I be turned away? At the same time as I was pursuing this new dream, new call on my heart, I also was interviewing with a Spiritual Direction course program. Not one, but TWO opportunities to fail miserably in and be rejected. Oh yeah, fear of rejection. There's another one that keeps you from even trying a lot of time. Through Christ's strength, I moved forward. I took on the challenges to interview for both things that were definitely weighing on my heart as part of my purpose here on this earth. Can you imagine going through over thirty years of life without any major sense of purpose and then finding it and pursuing it with the chance of being rejected?! Crazy. I think you get the idea. Fear is terrible. Doesn't the Bible say "Fear not" like 365 times? 2 Corinthians 3:17 says, "where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." We are called to live in that freedom! To live life abundantly! Don't let Satan steal, kill, and destroy the life Christ has given you! (John 10:10)

Something that helps me in times of striving for perfection is to remember that we don't come to God by eliminating our imperfection, but by rejoicing in it because it makes us aware of our need for God's mercy and love! All that to say fear is bad. Fear can and will control you if you allow it to. Even now with me being much closer to my goal of leaving for Thailand, fear rears it's ugly head. Fear of what I'm leaving behind. Fear of losing what I've worked so hard to find here. Fear of friends moving on without me when I'm gone. Fear of losing the closest friends I've ever had in life. Fear of letting go. I had a friend post a blog about endings recently. It was a good read. A Velvet Ashes email had this to say about endings and I just loved it: Endings are not the end or the beginning. They are a symbol, urging us to look to Christ, whose supreme hope is that we glorify God and enjoy Him forever. It is this dream that never dies, draws no final breath, and calls all other dreams to itself and asks "are you willing to sacrifice yourself?" And if the answer is "yes," they will change us forever, sting when they come to a close, and color our lives with the memories we most fondly recall with "Remember when." I am a living sacrifice (Romans 12:1) and I will go wherever He leads bringing glory to His name wherever I am.

"Remember when..."

I have been blessed with amazing friends along this journey and I know that our friendships will continue on no matter how far apart we all may be. Love you ladies!

This is My Story and This is Spring Break

Ok. So this is not really my story. But, it is a story about sharing my story! This past week has been an awesome week. I've had three opportunities to share my story about my journey to Thailand since last Wednesday. It's the craziest thing. Every time I shared, there were no nerves! It was just me, being me, sharing where I've been, and sharing where I'm going. I am apparently pretty comfortable with sharing this story. I started Wednesday at my church in front of our mission team. I will admit that I was a tiny bit nervous for this one because it was my first time sharing what I had prepared. Surprisingly, the nerves did not last long! Normally when I speak in front of others, I stay pretty nervous. My voice shakes, my hands shake, I get real fidgety, and sometimes I want to cry. I started sharing my story with them and immediately fell into a groove and comfort of sharing my heart, my experiences, and my desire to go. It was crazy! I didn't even have to look at the notes I had to remind me of what to say with each slide. It was MY story and MY experiences. I know this. I lived it. I want to live it out. Is it any wonder that I had no problem talking about it? That being said, I really enjoyed getting to share with them! I guess I didn't realize how excited I am to get to share about my time in Thailand and what I plan to do once I make it back there to serve long term. I guess I didn't realize that because I really hadn't shared with many others before. Somewhere along the way, as I spent time preparing my slideshow and figuring out what things I was most passionate about sharing,  came a deep joy in having opportunities to share. After sharing that Wednesday and checking in with some friends after the fact to see how they thought I did, I couldn't wait for the next opportunity to share! The next opportunity was Sunday. I was visiting my parents for a few days to celebrate my mom's birthday and asked if my dad would like me to share at his church. He is a pastor at a small church and readily accepted my offer to share. This time would be a little different. This time I would be standing at the front of the church behind the podium. But again, the peace of God settled in my heart and I was able to calmly walk up there and share my presentation, my story, with them in a heart-felt, passionate way. Many of them talked to me afterwards and said how much they enjoyed listening to me share. I had fun sharing and enjoyed talking with some of them afterwards. Once getting back to my parents' place, I thought on my experience. I was like, oh my goodness, when did it get so easy for me to talk in front of others?! Where did my crazy anxiety go? I can only praise God for it because only His peace could make me comfortable enough in my own skin and calm my anxiety. And it surely has something to do with the peace God has provided me in accepting my call to go! But, I'm still quite amazed with it! I still have anxiety in lots of other things in life, just not in public speaking right now (one of the things that has caused GREAT anxiety in the past). My last opportunity was actually today! It was my first time to share with a couple in their home. Again, no nerves. Only peace. And a great joy in getting to share and invite others to join me on this journey! Maybe none of this makes sense to you. Maybe you don't know me well and don't quite understand the dread I used to feel when asked to speak in front of others. Maybe this following fact will help you understand. I dropped speech in college THREE times before successfully completing it. THREE TIMES! And usually right before it was time to do the first speech.  So yes. I remain amazed at the peace that passes all understanding that God has granted me in this time.
Spring break has also helped make this week awesome! It's been so nice to have unlimited time to do all kinds of things I've wanted to do, but have had very limited time for. I've spent time laying outside reading and enjoying the beautiful weather. I've stayed up late and slept in, which is my preferred way of life. I've  taken daily walks with my dog Lucy. I've gone to see movies. Four movies to be exact! I've jumped on the trampoline. I've gone for frozen yogurt. I've skyped. I've spent time with my spiritual director. I've read some more. And I've just sat in silence with God loving Him and being loved by Him. It's funny. This week has been completely amazing, but I've spent the majority of it completely on my own. Maybe that's something I needed. Maybe I needed some space and silence in my life. Planning things with my friends is always awesome and enjoyable, but maybe this week was about recharging. Maybe this week was all about what I wanted to do. If so, it was a super successful week. Me time- check. Soul filled- check. Spiritual renewal- check. Spring Break was just what I needed!
Next big thing: find more people to share my story with! It apparently brings me joy!

Where's the Light at the End of the Tunnel?

Life is crazy-busy. Planning to depart for Thailand in six months means there are a lot of things that need to get done so that can be possible! Like LOTS of stuff! It can be overwhelming and it can be exciting. It can be exhausting and it can be refreshing. I just never know where I'll be emotionally each day. Friends ask me if I got a lot accomplished on my designated work days, but I never feel like I do because the list is soooooooo long and I can't see the end some times. Saturday was an exhausting day. I was exhausted over trying to perfect and make my presentation about Thailand flow well so I could feel comfortable doing it. Unfortunately, I had to go to bed that night still feeling uncomfortable with it. But praise God, His mercies are new every morning. I stepped back from the presentation and worked on creating my first newsletter instead. It was a frustrating day as I tried to figure out how it all worked and get it to look like what I wanted, but in the end it was exciting because I was able to send out my first newsletter before going to bed that night! If you didn't get one, it means I do not have your email address so send it to me and I'll add you to the list! I'm happy to do so. It was back to my presentation on Monday and I was refreshed and able to find a rhythm that I was comfortable with. Now, I just need to find people to share it with. Yup. I figure out one step only to replace it with several more steps. That can be the overwhelming part. I realize that this is probably more of a real  and authentic post than you expected, but I feel it's important to share where I'm at. Your support is very appreciated as I work through everything! I'm excited about upcoming opportunities to share my story. I get to share a brief presentation with my church mission team tomorrow night. Plus, I get to share a brief presentation at my dad's church on Sunday! Prayers for those two events would be awesome. If you know me any at all, you'll know that talking in front of people is not my favorite thing to do. However, I do enjoy sharing my story with others so I usually relax a bit as I get further into it. As I get closer to my departure date, the steps I need to take are not always easy. In fact, there are many steps that make me uncomfortable. It's those times I have to remind myself that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13)
Ok, before I wrap up this post, I just have to share this one story. Totally a God moment for me. I'm currently at the stage of developing financial partners for my time in Thailand. That requires me to step out of my comfort zone quite a bit by calling people on the phone. I've never been a phone calls person. I like to see people when I talk to them so phone calls make me very nervous. Any way, last Monday was THE day for me to start calling people with the goal of setting up appointments to talk with them and share my story. I was SOOO  nervous! Then after the fifth attempt, I don't know what I was so worried about. It's not like anyone ever answers the phone if they don't recognize the number! I do the same thing a lot of times! It's a little different when you're the one doing the calling though. I just wanted someone to answer. I was ready to give up, but decided I'd try one more number. It rang, rang again, and rang again. I was just about to seriously give up without even leaving a message when they answered the phone! Someone actually answered the phone!! I was in shock so it took me a second to gather my thoughts and talk. I'm not going to say that I did a fabulous job on the call because I'm sure I spoke a million words per second, but I actually talked to a person! The best part about the whole ordeal was the fact that he said he usually doesn't answer the phone when he doesn't recognize the number. He said he just had this strange feeling that he needed to answer this time! Now, try to tell me that wasn't a God moment. I won't believe you. Whenever I become discouraged "I lift up my eyes to the mountains--where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." (Psalm 121:1-2) That was God keeping my hope alive!