In Christ alone, my hope is found.

Catching up from my last post, there's lots to say. I went on my Charis retreat two weekends ago where I had two presentations to do. The first night I shared about my journey to Thailand and that went well. I loved getting to share my story with my Charis friends! The second night I presented my spiritual mentor project. Yes, THE project that I was having so much trouble getting done. I finished it the night before leaving on retreat and it went great!
Here is the altar from my retreat:

The day after coming back from retreat, I left early in the morning and drove to Georgia. Yes, I drove it all in one day. I stayed at a friend's house and it was wonderful. I got to visit the TMS office and spend some time with friends there catching up and just chatting. I also got to go hiking a couple of days with the friend I was staying with! That was amazing. I love spending time outdoors and just soaking up nature! The last night I was there, the main reason I drove to Georgia, I got to have dinner with the Thai couple I will work with in Thailand! It was so awesome seeing them again. Email is so non-personal and just harder to communicate through. Face time is perfect! I got to ask some questions and just enjoy having face to face conversation. So great.

I hit the road early Thursday morning and drove just under 4 hours to Tennessee to visit some friends. I only got to visit with them for about an hour and a half because I had to get back on the road to drive home, but it was so great seeing them again! I enjoyed the visit and getting to meet their little one! After leaving Tennessee I drove all of the way back to Texas, home sweet home. Yes, it was a VERY long drive, but I made it back in one piece at around 2 am and immediately crashed in my bed to wake up a few hours later for work. Saturday, I caught a ride with some friends to see other friends in Dallas (three hours away) and to celebrate their kids' birthdays! It was great not to have to drive there after all of my previous driving. I got home late from Dallas, went straight to bed, and then woke up to drive two hours to visit my parents for mother's day. It was a great trip. Got to hear my dad preach, see some old friends, and treat my parents to the movie Mother's Day in honor of mother's day! It was a great movie, in case you were wondering.

And now, you are all caught up. So how am I doing? I'd say the travel break was amazing and I loved it. It was definitely a breath of fresh air, quite literally. But there are other things going on within me that are not so much a breath of fresh air, but somewhat suffocating. Have you ever struggled with self-worth? I have. Through a majority of my childhood and early adult years, my self-worth was kind of low to non-existent. I've improved leaps and bounds from what it used to be, but every now and then low self-worth rears it's ugly head. I catch myself beating myself up for silly mistakes. I struggle to take a compliment or believe that it is true. My confidence falters. Even though outwardly I've maintained a pretty happy and excited posture, inwardly my feelings of self-worth ebb and flow. For example: the quote I mentioned in a previous blog "Oh God, help me to believe the truth about myself no matter how beautiful it is" was a real eye opener to me that I was struggling. It struck a nerve within me because I couldn't see the beauty within. I couldn't believe there was beauty within. Because of struggling with self-worth, I've felt like a failure, like I'm not worthy. It's come and gone for the past month. Sometimes it's strong and sometimes I'm genuinely fine. Today was a low, though. Today I had to sign and turn in paperwork saying that I would be back to work next year. You may be wondering why that's a big deal. See, because I plan to move to Thailand to serve, I was really hoping that I could quit at the end of this school year and be ready to go in September. Unfortunately, my funds are not where they need to be for me to even consider quitting my job right now. And because of that, those feelings of inadequacy, of failure, and feeling unworthy threatened to take over. I was filled with a deep sadness. Even though I knew beforehand that my funds weren't where they needed to be, turning in that paperwork to keep my job was a very tangible proof that I'm not where I'd hoped I'd be. I struggled with this sadness all day. Then, I came across a verse in Romans which really kind of lifted my spirits.

Although I am still sad, I am reminded of God's great love for me even in my darkest moments. When I don't feel worthy of love or anything else, God still loves me! How incredible is that?! God still loves me! In Him, I find my worth. I am deeply loved whether I'm feeling wonderful and care-free or down in the dumps and like a failure. So why hold on to those fleeting feelings? I will cling to the love of Christ and find my worth, my identity in Him alone!