Life. Where do I even start. It's been 4 months since my last update. This is because on top of all the chaos and unknowns in life, my computer died too. I spent a few months going to different shops to see if it could be fixed, but to no avail. I just bit the bullet and bought a new computer. First order of business, other than basic set up, is getting a blog post typed up and posted. Let's start with just a few clarifications about where I'm at in life.
Visas and Thai Studies
In order to stay in Thailand I need a visa. Back in March, I got the easiest visas available which are student visas. These visas give me 8 months plus an additional 6 months for advanced study. With these visas, I am required to study a total of 8 months. I have stayed committed and diligent in my studies and have not taken the monthly breaks that are allowed in order to finish all of my required studies faster. In two more months, I will have completed my Thai studies required for the visas and will have an additional 6 months to scope out the area and find a ministry I'd like to commit to. Of course, this ministry has to offer a visa in order to stay and I'd like it to be within an hour of travel from my current location. I don't want to have to move, uproot Lucy, and try to find an affordable place that allows pets (very, very difficult). In studying Thai these additional 8 months, I feel like I have gained a greater perspective in the Thai world view and way of life. I have spent time studying Social Problems, Thai Culture, Thai Traditions, Thai Idioms, Short stories about Thai life, and History. All of these subjects helped me go deeper into the Thai way of thinking and I have learned so much! I've also spent time studying the bible and prayer in Thai in private lessons. I've done all of this in order to improve my communication with the Thai people and increase my effectiveness in future ministry opportunities. All of the classes come with homework as well. Sometimes Thai language and studying is exhausting, but I press on because I know the benefits far outweigh the weariness of study!
Being an Imperfect Perfectionist
Many of us have heard it's important to always be a learner. Well, that is currently my role in life every second of every day. Always a learner. But that role is never easy. I went from being a very proficient and fairly intelligent person in America that was able to do life well on my own and help others, to being like a child here. For those that don't know, I am introverted and a perfectionist. This affects my reception of correction. Always being corrected in speaking, told that isn't the way a Thai would say or do it, or being told how you handled a situation can be seen as impolite to Thai people is rough. It makes me feel like a failure. It sometimes makes me feel stupid and of little worth here. And I definitely never want to offend or hurt someone's feelings! Being corrected is good. It helps me learn and adapt to my surroundings. But it isn't always easy. It's a daily struggle. For example: When I'm studying Thai and have to read a section out loud, but have a difficult time reading many words in the paragraph, I just feel like wow, I've made no progress at all. But then there are times when I'm highly praised for my ability to speak Thai and told how well I speak. This helps for sure, but still. Always being a learner is rough. Challenging. Heartbreaking from time to time. Exhausting. And so much more.
The Effects of Change
As easy as it is to believe that life is a vacation for me, that is the farthest thing from the truth. True, I do take an occasional short road trip. But not a day goes by that I don't get lost in thoughts and stress on figuring out my future. On top of the daily dose of correction in my Thai, I stress daily on finding a new ministry, figuring out how to get a visa if I can't find a ministry that offers one, when I will find these things, wanting to find one sooner rather than later, what folks are thinking of me back home, worrying about having no ministry updates outside of being in relationship with others and sharing my love, encouragement, and sometimes faith with them, doing taxes as self-employed for the first time, not having enough funding for the future, and possibly needing to find a paid job to supplement my monthly support to continue living here long term. Not a day goes by that I'm not thinking of at least one or many of these difficult things. There have been many restless nights as these stressful things infiltrate my dreams as well. My life is far from a vacation, but I still have to fear that's how others perceive it. All I have is random conversations of encouragement, faith, and loving others well to show as ministry. There are no longer any fun pictures or videos of students singing and dancing or learning English and I know that is probably difficult for others to accept. I apologize deeply for this. I very much want to be involved in ministry. Whether that is with children, adults, or special needs, I still do not know. But it has been important to complete my education visa requirements in Thai study. I've done all I can to complete them as quickly as possible studying every month without a break. Many here have asked why I haven't taken a break and I explain to them that I want to finish as quickly as possible so I can find volunteer work and start helping others again. They all understand and accept that and respect me for it. I know most of the pictures I post now are just basic every day life with friends, food, or with a few fun trips thrown in, but I post those so others can know that even in the midst of chaos, I am okay. They can also see some of the things I see and experience some of the things I experience. I want to include everyone in my journey so you can truly grasp and see what my beautiful Thailand is like; food, travel, malls, markets, field trips, and friendships. In all I do, I try to help others and love others well. I try to encourage others in their life and decisions as well as share my life with them. I definitely want to do more through a specific ministry, but for the time being, there's only everyday relationships.
Vacation
Since my ministry in Ranong abruptly ended in December, I have been very strict on what I spend money on and how much I spend as I have very little financial support. I've tried to be as thrifty as possible with my money. Some required trips were a visa run to Laos and a mandatory debriefing meeting in Chiang Mai. I spent as little time as possible in Laos, not even a full 3 days, in order to be as cheap as possible. I stayed in a hotel right across from the embassy so I could walk and not pay for transportation. I did the same thing in Chiang Mai, arranging two sessions a day in order to get home quicker and spend less money. I stayed at a homestay instead of hotel because it was cheaper and planned to ride a bicycle for travel. If I want a get away, I tend to just go to my friend's hometown with her and stay at her family's house for free. The only extra money I spend for those trips is on gas for the drive. I've done this twice in the past 8 months. Recently, I had two three-day weekends kind of close together. I thought to myself, I never allow myself to do much traveling these days, so I went to two different beaches those two different weekends. Both trips were done extremely cheap, as cheap as I could get. That means, the first trip I stayed at a hotel outside the city and a 20 minute walk to a beach because it was the cheapest hotel around (less than $30 a night) with a free breakfast so we didn't have to eat lunch and just needed to pay for dinner. The second trip was the first planned (not spur of the moment) vacation I've gone on this year. Even so, I kept it as cheap as possible by skipping breakfast, eating instant noodles at lunch, and only eating out for dinner. The whole trip, including transportation, food, and resort was less than $300 which divided by two, I'd say that was a pretty stinking cheap trip. Granted two whole days were mostly devoted to travel to and from (bus, truck, and boat) but we had one great day with a few hours of no rain that allowed us to swim and play on the beach. It was a much needed refreshing trip where I was surrounded by just the sounds of rain and waves. My next trip will be a visa run for my education visa which requires leaving the country in November. Thinking of heading over to Vietnam to visit Heather for a few days and to process the new visa, but I haven't made any plans just yet. After that, I will visit America in maybe January. Currently scouting out cheapest airline tickets. I haven't visited since coming to Thailand almost 2 years ago. Unfortunately, it can't be a long trip because my dog will be here in Thailand at a dog hotel which will add up pretty fast! Plus, I'll be worried about her!
Friendship
I have been super blessed with one very good Thai friend here in Thailand. She has helped me so much in learning language, culture, and the Thai way of thinking. She never seems to tire of explaining how Thai people feel or think about various situations. We've often been asked if we're sisters here which is always funny. But really, we feel more like sisters. Both of us accept that neither of us knows everything and ask each other questions freely about life and language often. It has been a blessing having her as a friend. She's the one who helped me buy this new computer! I can speak a lot of Thai, but there are still a lot of terms that I'm just not familiar with like guarantees and warranties and such. She can take what the seller says and put it into words I can understand. She also showed me where a cheap secondhand store was where everything is about $1 each. If you've noticed a new wardrobe, this is why! I'm finally able to afford to go clothes shopping! It has also helped having her as a friend as I lost my old community when I no longer worked with that church. Because we both live alone and have no family close by, we do many things together and support one another in the chaos of life. I also still have friendships with many of the teachers and often eat lunch with some of them before I study. I look forward to the day I have a ministry to build even more relationships and friendships. And of course, there are my friendships and family in America. I do miss you all. I wish we could talk more often, but know it is very hard with the time difference.
A Typical Day
I start out the day with a shower and getting ready for the day. I then take Lucy for a walk. After a bit, I leave for school. Leaving my building requires about a 3 minute walk to the end of my alley to a main street where I catch a van like vehicle that picks up a max of 7 people and takes us to the main big street close to the BTS (sky train) station. From there, I walk about 5 minutes to the BTS station and wait for the BTS to come. I ride the BTS for about 20 minutes to the station close to my school. I exit the BTS and walk about 5 minutes to the school. At the school, I will typically eat lunch with some of the teachers and then study for 3 hours. Maybe next week, I will pick up the habit of running with a teacher after studying again. Once I leave the school, I will typically eat with my best friend somewhere along the way. Every day is different dependent on how we feel. Sometimes it is at a food court or restaurant at a mall, sometimes at the food court at a grocery store close to our building where we live, and sometimes at either the market or street carts close to our building. When returning home, we will take the BTS to either the station before our station to eat or straight to our station. If we stop at the station before ours, we will usually take a taxi home because it is cheaper divided by two. If we go straight to our station, we usually each take a motorcycle taxi to our building. Once home, I take Lucy for a walk and then shower. Sometimes my friend and I will watch TV together and sometimes we just both go to our own rooms and rest. All depending on how tired we are and if we have things we need to do. We can do this because we live in the same building and our rooms are on the same floor across from each other. I live in a very small room with a small balcony to hang my clothes to dry and a bathroom. It's more like a hotel room, really. Very close quarters, especially when I used to live in a 4 bedroom house and still have lots of stuff. Things are stacked in the corners of my room and I have just enough space to walk back and forth in the room. Weekends, I usually order brunch with my friend to be delivered. Delivery fee is about 30 cents so it's totally doable. We will eat together, wash clothes and hang them to dry, and then make a plan for what we want to do- stay home, go to the grocery store, or go to a mall or market to walk. Sundays, I've tried various churches but have yet to find one that feels like home. I'll keep looking. After church, my day is pretty much just like Saturday.
Possibilities
Last week, I went and checked out one option for ministry in my future. I had high hopes for it because the leader had told me they could give me a visa and the work was very similar to what I did back in America. Unfortunately, travel back and forth takes a total of 4 hours. That's just not realistic. So back to the drawing board. I contacted one other person and will meet with him at his church tomorrow to see what options are there for teaching English as outreach and ministry. I have one other contact to connect with to see if there's a chance. I've also started searching online for opportunities. Sent out a few emails for more information this morning. Prayers would be greatly appreciated. As a last resort, I could try to raise enough money to purchase a 5 year visa and volunteer at any organization I want without needing a visa, but that visa is very expensive and I don't know that I could come up with that kind of money in the 8 months left on my education visas.
Lucy
Lucy is doing very well and seems very happy in life now. Since moving to Thailand, Lucy has had a hard time when I move. When I moved to Ranong, she barked every day when I left. I have no idea for how long, but I could usually hear her for about 1 minute of my walk out to the main road. She finally adjusted and stopped barking when I left. When I moved back to Bangkok, she did the same thing when I would leave. She would bark. And apparently, she would randomly go on barking sprees throughout the day. And her barks would just echo through the whole building. Maybe she did this in Ranong too, but I lived alone so there was no one to tell me she was doing it. I had to purchase a muzzle and start muzzling her every time I left. The past few months, I've finally been able to stop muzzling her and she's not barking anymore. She's much happier when I leave and don't muzzle her. And she's always happy when I return. She loves to give me snuggles before finding a spot to get comfy and sleep. She sleeps a lot more these days. I don't know if it's just because we live in a much smaller room, or if she's just getting older. She is 11 years old already and will be 12 in April, but seems extremely healthy.
Communications
I always love getting to chat with friends from America, even if for just 5-10 minutes at a time. Unfortunately, with the 12 hour time difference it's hard to catch each other at the same time. Then with my computer not working, posting blogs was very hard. One time I spent a ton of time typing an update on my phone and hit publish only for it to disappear and not be recovered. I also was unable to prepare any newsletters to send out updating and explaining where I was at in life due to computer issues. Plus, I worried I didn't really have enough content to prepare a newsletter. Sometimes, I feel at a complete loss as to what others would like to know and just don't know where to start. The last few days I got to spend about 10-30 minute brackets of instant messaging with two different friends and I truly enjoyed that. About two weeks before that, I got to skype with a dear friend for the first time in a while. I truly love catching up with my American friends, but as I said, time difference complicates it. Sometimes I'd like to send a message, but think, oh wait, it's the middle of the night for them. I shouldn't send it in case their phone is on and wakes them up. But please, when or if you think of me, feel free to shoot me a message!! No matter what time of day! At night, my sound automatically shuts off so you don't have to worry about waking me. And I will answer you as soon as I have the chance! I do apologize if I've ever forgotten to respond. I assure you it's not because I meant to. I most likely opened it when I was busy and didn't have enough time to respond right away.
Faith Journey
These past several months have required a ton of faith. Living in a constant state of unknowing is rough. Like so difficult! If I didn't have my faith in God and truly believe that I've been called to serve in Thailand, I'm pretty sure I would have returned to America long ago with my tail between my legs feeling like a complete failure. Yes, I still feel like a failure here occasionally, but my faith gets me through. I may not have a direct faith community here anymore, but I spend lots of time in prayer seeking God's direction for my life. Sometimes I think that maybe it would just be easier to return, but then the Lord opens a door to show me that I'm needed and called here. I'm still seeking a faith community here and have not given up on this. I definitely miss having that. I'm thankful to have a group of some super awesome ladies back home that I can send random prayer requests or frustrations to and know that they'll pray. I'm thankful for my home team back in America but miss talking with them every couple of months. I miss my family and try to send them a message here and there to let them know I'm thinking about them. I have not forgotten anyone! I have had the opportunity to share my faith and beliefs in class or with some of the teachers from time to time which I pray has planted seeds. But I know they've had many Christians through the years do the same thing while studying. Sometimes, I tune in online to watch my American church service and feel apart of that community, but sometimes the wifi at my place is too slow. I enjoy reading devotionals; especially when someone sends it to me because they've thought of me when they read it. It's nice to know that I'm still a part of your community and you still think of me. Sometimes it's easy to feel like I'm on my own and everyone has forgotten and moved on with their lives without me. And maybe everyone else feels the same way about me. Who knows?! I know it's not true, but you know, feelings can be tricky sometimes.
My last biblical conversation with one of my teachers was about the plagues of Egypt when Moses went to free the Israelites. We were talking about a plague in history and she asked about the plagues in the bible. I shared about the plagues and a bit about God's involvement in that and she listened respectfully. The hard thing about Buddhists is that they will respectfully accept you sharing your beliefs, while all the time fully believing in Buddhism. Getting past that being part of their identity can be very complicated. I've even had one teacher share that she considered Christianity once, but just couldn't leave her identity as a Buddhist. So faith conversations are being had in the midst of every day relationships and conversation, but the depth at which they receive my beliefs is extremely shallow. But I continue to share in a gentle, non-forceful way whenever I have the occasion. And when there aren't any occasions, I hope that my actions can be a light of Christ's love in their lives.
Food
As far as food goes, you've probably noticed from my food posts on facebook that my taste buds have changed quite a bit. I enjoy eating Thai food so much. Spicy and sour flavors are so delicious! When I eat American food these days, it tastes very plain and I usually dip it in chili sauce! I often say, "if it's not spicy, it's not delicious!" Hahaha. The Lord has helped me so much in making major life adjustments in food and many other things since moving to Thailand almost 2 years ago!
Ok. That's a ton for now. I'll leave it at that. If you have questions, never hesitate to ask! Love to you all and I'm so sorry it's been a while since my last post!
